so, this is Christmas?

I've been wondering when the mood will strike me. I can't remember... does it always take this long? I overhear conversations about trees and decorations and I see houses with lights and I wonder where my Christmas spirit went off to. (As if I don't know.) Nick has been asking me if I'm OK more than usual lately, so I guess I'm being quiet or something.

I'm working on getting the shopping done. Maybe that will help? I'm trying to make things feel happy and bright, because my sweet boy deserves a cheerful Christmas.

I know it shouldn't be that hard. And part of me thinks that maybe I'm over anylizing the sadness. I only sometimes feel like I'm walking on eggshells, not saying the things that we're all thinking, about how this year it will be so hard without Nick's mom here with us.

On the other hand, I'm not forcing anything... when I do get all excited about decorating and baking and cooking it is coming from a natural, real place. I want to be cheerful and shit but don't know when I'm crossing the line into annoying. I feel guilty for being happy, for having my mom.

My friend Jess tells me he will tell let me know if he needs something from me, and reminds me not to forget that I'm grieving too.

Thankful.

Oliver, Two Years Old

And his silly Daddy.

I love these goofballs.

With all my heart.

Today I just want to say that I'm so thankful for the happiness and health of these two dudes right here, and they joy they bring me just by being "mine".

happy birthday, Oliver.

My sweet boy,

You are two years old today.

Last weekend, we had a big Sesame Street birthday party that your mommy is pretty darn proud of. You have so many people that love you, baby. The party was of course slightly bittersweet, without your Grandma P. there, but we found joy and strength in you. We had lots of family and friends come out to celebrate with you, and you had so much fun playing and running and eating cupcakes.

That's what you do best, my love... you're always so you. I admire your determination and your free spirit, along with that sweetness and charm. You're so much like your Daddy already: you don't let the world pass you by. Every moment, you're seeing, exploring, listening, and learning. You're like me, too, in that you're compassionate.

I could go on for days, yet I'm at a loss for words to describe how much I love you. You are my whole heart.

Happy Birthday, Oliver.

Love,
Mommy

the one I knew

Remember that one night... remember all those times?

We were... inseparable.

You taught me so much.

We knew each other so well.

I saw empathy and selfishness.

You saw loyalty and dishonesty.

You were just what I needed when I didn't even know I was missing anything.

Were you just a crush? I do remember thinking how perfect we would be.

But of course it was better to keep things the way they were.

Of course. I saw that, once time gave me a little perspective.

Through good times and bad, we were a pair.

My heart aches sometimes, from thinking about where you should be.

There are so many things we could be sharing.

I just know we'd have been so proud of each other.

You changed my life.

I miss you, my friend.

 

This post was inspired by my late friend Rob.

there goes my hero

(Gotcha! Not a Foo Fighters post.)

This is the story of us...

Sara & Nick - 1996

We met in high school, when he started dating my friend Kristina. They broke up, we stayed friends, and eventually started dating. 8 months is a long time in high school. We broke up over some dumb crap that I said. I moved away to college.

Fast forward 7 years, to 2003. I had moved to Georgia. I was visiting my BFF in Ohio, and her sister told me that she ran into Nick at the Post Office, where he said something to the effect of: "If I ever saw Sara again, I'd marry her."

Well. I had to call that guy, right? Lucky for me, his mom still had the same home phone number, and I still remembered it. I called, we talked.

We talked. For hours, every night for six months.

My BFF Julie had a small wedding back home that Valentine's Day. We hung out that weekend. Julie & I went to the mall for hair and nails, and this guy walked with us through the mall, then alone, carrying her veil. Because he told me he would help.

He visited me in April. And May.

It had all the excitement of a brand new relationship, with all the comforts of a long time friend.

I visited him in June. He proposed.

He moved to Georgia in July.

Together we moved back to Ohio in December of 2005. Rented a little house, got a little dog.

in the lobby of the Riviera, no we didn't get married at a window

We were married in March of 2006, at the Riviera Hotel & Casino in lovely Las Vegas. And lived happily ever after, so far!

So, I married my high school sweetheart, sort of. But he's always been my hero.

Florida!

We're hanging by the pool this week. BRB. TTYL. CYA.

plotting my personality

So, everyone knows Netflix = Awesome. And ever since we quit cable we’ve been watching a lot of hulu and Netflix between 8 and 10 pm – after the boy goes to sleep and we have a few minutes to veg.

The last movie we got on DVD was Inception. It. Was. Fucking. Awesome. Seriously awesome. If you haven’t seen it, rent it or add it to your queue right now!

The other day I had a conversation with my friend Dan, who has seen Inception twice, and he mentioned that he thinks it’s just as good the second time because you'll catch things you didn't the first time, including some plot holes.

I told him that I already spotted a couple, because good movies like this that really get you thinking tend to stick around in my head for a while. Which is ironic, considering that “inception” refers to the concept of implanting an idea into someone else’s head – making them think it was their own idea.

Anyhow, here’s what I said: *spoiler alert*

If they were never supposed to go any "deeper" than that third dream, the one with all the snow and shit, how did they happen to have one of those sedative machines that let Cobb and the-girl-what’s-her-name-from-Juno go into limbo after their Target Guy when Mal killed him?

(Yes, I really notice little things like this. Tiny little things like hey! That guy’s hair is parted on the wrong side! And why is there no coffee spilled on his shirt?)

Dan’s example, which I think is also a good example of the difference between men and women:

In Dream One the driver takes the team off the bridge, they are falling towards the water. As such, in Dream Two the dreamers experience zero gravity (in the hotel). So, why don't the dreamers in Dream Three (snow fortress) experience zero gravity? Answer: because zero G looks awesome in a hotel. Zero G on a mountain top involves a lot of people floating off into space and dying.

I thought it had something to do with the fact that time stretches out in subsequent dreams, like they had 30 seconds in dream one, which gave them 20 minutes in dream two and then 2 hours in dream three... so the floaty effects are dampened.

Yah, you could say that. But I think they just goofed.

Right. So the difference is, boys see things in terms of action and special effects, and girls see them in terms of… basic facts and linear story lines. I don’t know, maybe I’m not a philosopher.

Anyhow, after that, I had a little revelation about myself. I don't like plot holes. So, if I find an adequate explanation, I stick with it. So my mind can rest. I’m the type of person who picks at hangnails and threads... plot holes unnerve me. *spoiler alert* I have absolutely refused to let any other possibility enter my mind: that damn top WAS WOBBLING at the end!

I don’t watch the news, because if I do, all the sad puppies and missing children of the world will visit my dreams. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and that is so true for me. My balance is easily thrown off by images, leaving me feeling haunted by their stories. Without even closing my eyes, I can still see the chubby face and pink jacket of the 4-month old baby girl who somehow survived the tsunami in Japan. I can almost feel the intense overwhelming pain her parents must have felt… and if this story had had an unhappy ending?

Emotionally Sensitive. I have trouble distancing myself from the rest of the world mentally. At least that's what that therapist said. Other people's hurt is my hurt.

But, it's not bad all the time... it works both ways. Other people's joy is my heart-pounding success. I am Jack’s medulla oblongata.

I get choked up when someone wins big on Wheel of Fortune. When Michael Scott proposed to Holly on the Office, I got a lump in my throat.

I tear up reading those stories about children and kitty-cats who love so purely, and who dial 911 and save the day. And the high school basketball towel boy who was happy to just be part of the team? And then they put him in the last game of the year? And he makes that half-court shot and the crowd goes wild and the team lifts him up on their skinny teenage shoulders? Yes, that noise you hear is in fact me, having a good ugly cry.

When I feel happy, I am unstoppable, on top of the world!* Like last Friday, I was looking forward to going out to dinner with my lovely husband, and that alone kept my mood lifted to just above where anything else could touch it… there was no getting me down.

So looking forward to our trip to Florida in three weeks, when I say I’m excited, you know I’m seriously freaking excited. The thought my babe and his grandparents will get to charge down the beach together and splash in the ocean? I am looking more forward to this trip than anything, at all, ever. The potential energy in the potential memories makes me unable to stop smiling.

And when I talk about how happy I am, how these guys make my life better than I could have imagined? You know that shit is the God’s-honest truth.

*Yes, I realize this makes me sound manic-depressive, but it’s not to that extreme… I don’t actually have huge mood swings. I’m just describing what goes on inside, and that I’m still learning about myself.

Five Years

We've been married for five years today.

It feels like a lifetime and yet it's gone by in the blink of an eye.

He's everything I ever wanted, and everything I never knew I needed.

I love you, Nick.

spring 2011

I had to stop by here today to reflect on how far I've come in the last year.

I remember the begining of 2010 being very difficult. That whole winter was emotionally and physically taxing. Pumping at work, being so exhausted from long days, and just plain missing my little guy so much that I could hardly stand it. I think the dramatic drop from blissed-out new mom to over-tired working mom was too much for me. I felt... fragile.

It makes me tear up just thinking about how much I struggled. I wanted so badly to be the best mom that I focused solely on Oliver and shoved, hard, everything else into the background. It took a toll on my marriage, because I know I wasn't the best wife there for a while. There are a few times that Nick said "I just want my wife back..." and that statement never failed to make me feel bad, but also snapped me the hell out of whatever funk I was in and made me realize that in my haze of single-minded focus I was still missing out.

Not that there weren't happy times, because of course there were, and plenty of them, and I know I took advantage and played and took pictures and made memories but looking back, it was just... mostly gray.

Anyway, March 2010 was where I started to come out of it. I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Last spring, I learned a little better how to be present in my own life. I realized that the fun in weeknight bathtime was no less joyful than weekend afternoons. I'm not saying things are perfect now, but my equilibrium is evening out. Dare I say: I'm feeling balance. I am so darn happy. Seriously. And when I look at what we've been through, even though others might struggle with more or different challenges in parenting, I still feel triumphant. I deserve to be happy.

For once, I feel the need to mention my job. I'm enjoying it! It's at times exciting, fast paced and challenging... other times it's mundane tasks and meetings. It's always changing, and while the changes are always varying in my personal scope of ideal, it's never boring. My boss is a genuine and compassionate human being, and that alone is something I know I'm lucky to have, let alone an affordable insurance plan and a little vacation time.

This spring, there will be no stopping our little family. Nick and I are so looking forward to the next few months. We're in love with each other and our little man. It's going to be full of gardening, walks, playgrounds, and laughter. We've got a vacation planned - taking a trip to Florida (Ollie's first plane ride!) to visit the grandparents and the beach - and we're going to relax and enjoy each other.

And this little guy? What can I say? He's perfect, the light of my life, and the walking, talking definition of joy.

the past month

I have been loving living my life.

Things got kinda crazy there, with planning Oliver's birthday party, and then BAM, HI Thanksgiving a week later! But, you guys. I am freakin' HAPPY.

So, since I last posted:

• the weekend after the big leap he came down with his first ear infection - but it didn't affect his demeanor one bit!




Please focus on the sweet grinning baby boy and not
my inappropriate dog in the background.

• I turned 31 years old. Bought new pants.
• Nick broke his toe - but it healed up just in time for "the" birthday party.
• Oliver got a bunch of awesome toys for his birthday - including his "first" (read: ONLY) 4-wheeler! More party pictures coming - but how could I not post this face?
• Winter came to Cleveland. December 1st it started snowing like hell. News people predicted Snowmageddon! In reality it wasn't that bad... but maybe I'm just a little tougher than the whiny pants?

• We attended two company holiday parties in the same weekend... mine on Friday night, Nick's on Saturday. And on that Saturday night, another girl and I were wearing the same dress. It was totally a sitcom-moment, where I berate people for not telling me quickly enough that *of course* I looked better in it! And I did... see?
• I did all my Christmas shopping on Amazon. It was the shit.
• We got his pictures taken for his birthday and Christmas all in the same session. Here are the birthday ones... I'm holding on to the Christmas ones until I get to the official birthday recap. Nyah nah.

• He started walking, kinda, but yes really taking real steps. About a week before Christmas. He gets so stinkin proud of himself when he does it too.

OK, that's all I'm posting for now. I just wanted to put these awesome pictures out there, and give a little update. But, I've got nothing to bitch about so this post is short & sweet. My husband is awesome, my kid is awesome, I'm busy being happy!

I live you

A simple typo, that wasn't changed by auto-correct.

I hit the "i" instead of the "o"...

but I like the meaning, just the same. It implies more than "I love you".

Not to say that "I love you" doesn't or shouldn't mean a lot...

But: when said 10 times a day, isn't it true that anything can lose a little of its meaning?

It's the feeling you intend to get across, and it's all you really need to say... when I tell Nick "I love you" I absolutely mean it from the bottom of my heart.

So I think next time "I live you" comes across I'm going to leave it.
Because it's true. I live him.

how the cable company changed my life

We cancelled it. That's right, no cable TV.

We cancelled the cable because ever since we brought Oliver home we were spending time with him and we weren't watching the shows when they first aired anyway. Plus, I noticed that when I was home and had a little while to veg on the couch I'd rather watch an old movie that I'd already seen 10 times than try and find something new to entertain me every half hour, ya know?

fear & loathing in las vegas, yes?

So we were paying about $100 a month to DVR our few favorites. As far as surfing, that was becoming a luxury that we rarely had time for, so the TV just became absent minded clicking for semi-interesting background noise. $100 a month for DVR & noise that just distracted us for the best, pure joy entertainment possible, our son!

hugs!

So now, watching TV is special again. Aside from the whole Cleveland Sports Team Who Shall Not Be Named debacle that we have to drive elsewhere to watch, it's worked out really well. And imma go order one of those converter box thingys so we can get the local channels and solve that.

We bring the laptop to bed & watch our shows, (The Big Bang Theory, Modern Family & Parenthood) off the internet. On Friday nights (or some weeknights that have been particularly stressful days) we snuggle into bed with the computer and a snack and relax together. After the babe is tucked into bed we have an hour to ourselves to unwind. TV is special again because it's an occaisional event. We take care of our boy, and then take care of ourselves by laughing together & snuggling under the covers.


us, only younger



a few reasons why I love my son's dad

So, a while back, I mentioned a draft of a post I had brewing listing the 100 reasons why I love my son's dad. While I'm sure there are more than 100 teeny tiny specific reasons, I've realized that a lot of them can be lumped into categories or situations.  

So, in honor of our first Father's Day (yes, I KNOW it was LAST week, this is the minimum amount of time I need to get pictures out of the camera and into the blog) here are the top 10.

1. The Work Dads. He's got his own little support system of other dads that he's friends with at work. Baby's got a runny nose & slight fever... is he sick or teething? Ask the work dads. When should we start feeding him solids twice a day? Three times? Ask the work dads.
2. He fits right in with my family. I know we all have families we'd consider a little crazy or unconventional, but seeing him jump right in with all the aunts and grandmas makes my heart happy. My mom loves him, my grandmas love him
3. He always knows how to make me feel like a million bucks - I get massages, there is a text waiting for me every morning "I love you! How did you sleep?" and throughout the day "How's pumpeen?"and dinner every night (for a time, while we were still getting used to our weekday routine it was even delivered to the couch).
4. This man was born to be a dad. Watching them together makes my heart explode into a million pieces, reform and then melt into a puddle on the floor. True story.


• Oliver's was the first diaper he'd ever changed, and now he doesn't think twice when it's diaper time. 
• He's better at getting boogers with the blub-sucker-thing. (Aspirator. I know the word, it's just more fun to say booger-sucker-dealy.)
• He can make the kid LAUGH. Like the really good bubble up from the gut kind. Even a few months ago (was it really only a few months ago) when the most we got was an errant smile - Nick was the first to get those smiles on command. EARTHQUAKE!!! (The "earthquake" is where you lay the baby on his changing table, grab opposite corners of the pad & wiggle.)


5. We have that couple-with-mental-telepathy thing. The kind that can get annoying to others if we do it too much, like finishing each other's sentences and my only having to say EPIC! or BAZINGA! and he'll fall over laughing. This just makes life more fun & easier on both of us, I think. Like when a to-do list includes things like "pee floor" & "piz/sal" we don't have to question what it means.
6. There's a lovely division of labor in our house - and we don't get pissed at each other for slacking... parenting & our marriage come first... housework is way down on the list.


• I don't do floors - he doesn't do laundry
• I don't do yard work - he doesn't do the checkbook
• I don't do boogers - he doesn't do nail clipping 


7. Our nightly bottle ritual: bottles are already clean since he's made that part of his afternoon naptime chores. *love* I fill the Dr. Browns with a lovely breastmilk/formula cocktail, he washes the pump bottles. I get lids & write labels, he gets Ollie's lunch packed. Carrots or sweet potatoes for lunch tomorrow?





8. He's been making Ollie's baby food. It's so sweet how excited Nick gets over pureeing some pears. To quote: "He took one of my favorite things - food - and made it even better!" He's even started a garden. What's growing?


• Squash
• Zucchini
• Tomatoes
• Beans
• Peas
• Carrots


9. He does things that need to get done - I know everybody's all like: DUH! but it's so many little things that add up to me not having to keep this stuff in my brain. Not just things like the trash, it's replacing the bulb in the bathroom night light & keeping the dog's food & water full. Big, important, life-altering tasks.
10. I love my son's dad because we chose each other, he said I do, and without him I wouldn't have my little guy.

Because of him...

I am patient.

I feel overwhelming love.

I am nostalgic for last week.

I know worry.

My heart now lives outside of my chest.

My life is full of joyful, scary vulnerability.

 My emotions echo his whims.

My life is as it was meant to be.

My family is complete.

I am truly happy.

when stalking pays off

So, I love giveaways. I love entering them and I love winning them. I don't know where this lucky streak came from, but I haz one. It's like a strange alignment of the stars & planets & moons or something. It's really freaky actually, but I have been lucky enough to win some really great products (of course, why would I enter to win some crap?) but I won't go into detail, I don't want to sound all braggy and lame.

Now. Modern Bird Studios. I have been stalking their giveaways for months, to the point that I joined Twitter to get the extra entries. (And then, luckily for me, they tweet links to all their giveaways - making it extra easy to stalk them!) Anyhow, they have this seriously cool take on modern art by turning your photo into a unique awesomesauce two-tone painting. Hand painted. Seriously a lot of work.
So, I won a giveaway. OH SNAP! After much hemming and hawing over which picture to choose... we chose this one:

NOW, the next very ultimate other hard part. Also: Lame. I have been pestering them and going back and forth and trying to figure out what color combination to get! Here are my current options, please help me decide! Remember: the final result will be painted on wood, so some texture will come through.

Click on this collage to get a really good look at all of them.

What do you think? Please halp, internets!

Worthy of repeating

Strange (yeah, not really THAT strange) how every Monday is the worst day EVER and by Wednesday or Thursday I'm ok and by Friday, well of course the world is awesome and the weekend looms large and endless. Then comes Sunday night, when I love Oliver more than I've ever loved him... but we're not gonna trek down that slippery slope.

So. To remind myself, and encourage myself to keep thinking positive, I'm going to quote myself. Myself.

"Right now ... I'm just going to focus on each day as it comes. And more importantly, I'm going to try my hardest not to fall into the pattern of spending every day thinking "I wish it was the weekend" even though I DO wish it was the weekend. I think that wishing away the weekdays does more of a disservice to me. Fun times DO happen during the week! Bathtimes and feedings and playtimes and rocking him to sleep are things that will happen any day of the week and those times are all special and perfect and important and I shouldn't just wish them away. Just because I didn't get to spend the whole day doing them like I would on a Saturday doesn't make them any less precious of a memory. And obviously, I don't want to lose a single one.

Imma start taking more pictures during the week."

YAHOO! Goal accomplished! Okay, so really Nick takes the pictures around here. But that's ok! Because they exist! I'm no longer wallowing in self-pity and feeling like I'm missing out on something because BAM. There I AM. In the pictures, playing and having a good time and making him giggle and rocking him to sleep. On a WEEKDAY. Whoa.

In an effort to keep up the pace and maybe get a little more perspective, please tell me: how do you keep yourself in the moment? I love my big boy and how he's sitting and playing and all that... but it's worth a shot: any tips on how I can make time slow down a little?

Mother's Day

My first Mother's Day was AWESOME.

My boys gave me an amazingly beautiful perfect necklace, a (three hour!) nap, a long hot shower, and a delicious dinner. (The recipe is something we've made & blogged about before. Also known as that one time a famous person from TV commented on my blog!)

click to zoom

Sunday was a perfect, wonderful, slow-paced, relaxing day.


Now begin the mommyblogger sap-fest post that made me tear up while writing it.

I am a mom. I know, in no uncertain terms, that I was always meant to be this little boy's mom.

I am his protector, his defender, his caretaker... and hopefully someday his friend. He is without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I am a good mom... no, a GREAT mom... because I learned from the best. I know it's common once you have a child of your own to realize just what you mean to your own mother, and gain a little more understanding and respect for who she is and what she's done for you. But you guys, I have ALWAYS (ok, with the excpetion of that year or two in high school when I was an asshat) known how great my mom is.

You know that old sitcom cliche where the woman has a shocking epiphany... "I've become my MOTHER!" Yeah, for me, that's a lofty goal. If anyone tells me "you're just like your mother" my response is, "Thank you!"

She's MY protector. My caretaker. My ally & my friend.

And now that she's my son's grandma, she's become my mama-mentor.

I can only imagine what great memories we'll all share.

I love you, mom. We're so lucky to have you.

Captured by Dad

A poem

"I love you, little baby
You're such a part of me.
Can't wait to hold you in my arms,
And hug you tenderly.
No matter what you look like,
You're beautiful, my love,
A precious gift bequeathed to me,
From heaven far above.
Each time I feel you moving,
My heart is filled with joy,
To think that very soon I'll hold
My little baby boy.
I'm counting every moment,
Til you're mine at last, my sweet.
It won't be long until your birth,
Then finally we'll meet."
- Sharon A.

This is hard.

It's been 5 months (in two weeks it will be six) and I'm starting to develop real animosity toward everyone who has the things that I so desperatley want. My cousins, my friends, my coworkers, even random people on the internet who post their ultrasound pictures.

Today I read another blog by a girl who's been TTC for over 2 years. She said she feels the way I do about other people who have what she wants, but that also she realized "the grass is always greener". She probably has something that other people envy.

It feels kind of wrong to try and think of something that I have that other people would want, but it's so easy to see that my relationship with my husband must be that thing. I can't imagine that anyone would look at our marriage and not envy it. I could go on and on listing his admirable qualities, but the truth is it's only perfect for me. No one else needs to know... no. No one else would understand why these things are so important.

Anyway, what I really want is to make a baby with this amazing man. I want to share him with someone because I know he will be as wonderful a father as he is a husband.