calling for backup

You may or may not know what it's like to be the only person (couple) in a 50-mile radius that you really trust to care for your young child. Sure, there are some less-than-involved grandparents in the area, but they were unreliable. Sad but true. Yeah, I have friends, but they're all either hundreds of miles away, or it's my one friend with a child who is super busy every day of her life.

Things have gotten so much easier lately. It's been a long time since I really felt like I had real backup... probably since before Nick's mom got sick.

So not only did I get my mom back, my dear cousin Ashley and her kid-loving husband Brandon moved home too!

I couldn't be more excited. We have real, reliable babysitters. We go on dates. Like, twice in the past two months. Whoa. And just when I get to missing him I get text updates.

Even better: now I don't stress about what might (will) happen when we have our second child. I know I will have help.

I am feeling so lucky and blessed and content right now!

the right direction

Last week I found out that one of Oliver's preschool teachers is pregnant.

Up until that point, apparently, that news would have instantly made me cry.

Don't get me wrong, it's still hard to hear about other people's pregnancies when I still feel like I should be in the middle of my own... the one we lost.

But that day, my gut reaction was to congratulate her, not immediately tear up and whimper "why not me?" Which is such a huge step for me.

So I don't know if 3 months is a long time or a short time or average, but that's how long it took me to accept my loss. To be able to think about it, talk about it, and most importantly, look ahead.


And to Jen: I'm sorry I missed these last three months celebrating with you. You've been so understanding and patient with me, and I can't wait to see you and hug you. And please, call me after that ultrasound appointment, I promise I'll be waiting by the phone!

oh, what the hell.

I have a case of the happy. I'm doing well, Nick's fine. Oliver's a good kid. We have lots of summery, outdoorsy plans going on and I'm throwing myself into it.

He's going through some behavior issues at school, biting other kids and not listening and being a general shit and while it stresses me out, I'm happy to report that the whole "positive reinforcement" thing, both at daycare and at home, have really been working for us.

But still, I have this weird feeling. Not the kind that lodges itself in the pit of your stomach (that thing that can sort of be described as dread mixed with anxiety?), but the kind that attacks your brain, nagging and gnawing at the back of your thoughts.

I don't know what I want to say.... I don't have any planned out words here. I'm just gonna lay it all out there, so forgive me since I'm sure this will be a mess.

We're talking-about-trying-to-have-another-baby. I want this, so so much. I want to get pregnant. I want to have a sibling for Oliver. I want to snuggle and nurse and rock a tiny newborn.

The problem is, what then?

It's the money. It's always the money and I hate thinking about money and talking about money and I hate money. Because there isn't enough money.

Realistically, putting two kids in daycare... would cost roughly $1400 a month. That's almost all of the dollars I bring home every month.

One side of me, the side that wears rose-colored-glasses says, "Stay home!" Have my two children home with me and do crafts and play toys and take naps and shit. Maybe keep the house clean. Go to story time and the freaking library. I long to be home when Nick gets home from work. I want to be there to see Oliver's face light up when I call, "Daddy's here!" I've had the privilege of pickup only a handful of times when he's not been sick... it's epic smiles and flailing arms and little legs running.

But staying home with a newborn and a toddler? Eep. And would we really be able to make it work? We'd have to go without health insurance and probably sell my car. Would it be so much stress and struggle and cutting back that no one would end up really being happier?

Plus, Oliver thrives at daycare. And as much as I hated having to leave him every day, he loves it... and I've learned to live with it. They love him. He learns so much there and I'm scared that if I pull him out he'll spend way too much time watching Elmo and eating fruit snacks.

So, have another baby? Yes. But then what?

Here's what's up.

At home: I felt really crappy and crampy after my “procedure” and I slept most of the day.
(Thanks Rachel, for describing it better than I could.)

The good news is that Doc said everything looked normal so that's one thing off my mind. Nick gave a sample… he took the day off with me to drive me home so we figured just get it all done in one day. We are still waiting on the results from that, but I am not too worried.

At work: Things have been pretty crazy. I got moved from the finance department to working the front desk for the whole company. I guess this is technically a promotion but for now it is only temporary. TEMPORARY.

The whole story is: there was a girl here that was pregnant and due May 1st. She ended up having her baby last week (2 months early!). So, this week coming up is the Big Show and now they are short handed and of course the company is not making as much money.

(What company is? Seriously, let me know... I need a new job!)

So they fired one guy that was working in finance and instead of firing me too they moved me here and the girl that was here is now training to do the new mom’s job. IF the new mom decides to come back to work after her maternity leave, I may or may not have a job, depending on how business is doing. BAD NEWS.

We are still going ahead with our kitchen project, I am expecting a check from a life insurance policy that I cancelled and we were going to use that money for the countertops and backsplash rather than using the Home Depot card because those are the really expensive parts and we didn’t want to finance that much. We used the credit card (before I found out about this mess) for the paint and bought a pantry cabinet that Nick and Dan already installed. (It looks great!)

I will post kitchen pics as soon as I bounce back.

I will just save that check for a rainy day (or 2 mortgage payments) but we are probably not going to Chicago because even if I do have a job in April I won’t have any vacation time until May.

Surprisingly upbeat.

Got the test results back from my wonderfully long-winded Dr. Man. All hormone levels met his approval... which is a very very good thing!

Although I haven't "started" my next "cycle" yet... I think I can pretty safely assume that this month will be a bust... I got a negative HPT this morning.

For Valentine's Day hubby and I are going to eat at Steak ~n~ Shake (it's our tradition... what?) then stopping by the drugstore to pick up some Ovulation Predictor Kits. Romantic as hell, right?!?

On a brighter note, I am pretty darned pleased with my own attitude. It feels good to be taking matters into my own hands... makes me feel like I may still have a little bit of control a clue what's going on here. I am kinda lovin' life right now. I don't know where this "look on the bright side" attitude is coming from but hell, I'm taking advantage of it! I'm going to go spend the rest of the day with my husband!

Optimism rules!!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Testing...

So my doctor's appt was uneventful. They took some blood to check my hormones and make sure they're where they should be. Thankfully, my wonderful doctor did not say any of the things that make me angry. (i.e. "keep trying", "it'll happen when you least expect it")

The things he did say, not only made me feel better, but some even made me laugh... here's an example:
(the only one I can remember right now)

Doc: Are you having sex?
Me: Yes...
Doc: Good! This would have been a very short appointment if your answer had been No!

So now, waiting for test results... (I'm not even that scared!) and once those results are in, deciding if and when we will do the next test, which is an X-ray to make sure my tubes are not blocked. (Now THAT'S scary!)

Rescheduled.

My doctor's appt. has been rescheduled to Monday, the 9th.

Apparently, some baby decided that it was time to join the world at the exact time I had my appointment, so Dr. Man had to go deliver him or her.

Did I use italics enough to signify that I was being sarcastic?

Congratulations, who ever you are!

Douchebags

I think I'm done stalking the message boards at thebump.com. It used to be full of information, with people asking for tips and advice, but not recently. Lately, if you're not a regular who stays on there all day then no one will respond to your posts. Or, if you're new and ask a question about something that they think is common knowledge, they will call you a douchebag and tell you you're stupid.

One funny thing I did get from a message on there is a quote from someone's signature:

"If one more person tells me to "just relax and it will happen" I'm going to tear off their head and throw it over the fence."

That just about sums up how I feel today. I guess some people just don't get my frustration: for once in my life I know exactly what I want, but for SIX months I have been unable to have it. People have been more impatient over less! Say someone were waiting for something really important to them, like money. And then say this person had been waiting six months to get it, and didn't know when it was coming, AND wasn't 100% sure that it would EVER come... would they be faulted for being impatient? Would they be told to "relax, and it would happen eventually?"

I realize that I don't have a lot of the problems that some people have. I haven't been diagnosed with any problems, my cycles are regular, I'm realativley young... but just because I don't have any problems that have official names, that doesn't mean I don't have issues.

Oh and by the way:

I dont care how long it took you to get pregnant.
I REALLY don't care that it just takes time.
I realize everyone is different. I'm trying to get pregnant... I'm not mentally retarded.
And I don't care if you think I'm being irrational.

This is hard.

It's been 5 months (in two weeks it will be six) and I'm starting to develop real animosity toward everyone who has the things that I so desperatley want. My cousins, my friends, my coworkers, even random people on the internet who post their ultrasound pictures.

Today I read another blog by a girl who's been TTC for over 2 years. She said she feels the way I do about other people who have what she wants, but that also she realized "the grass is always greener". She probably has something that other people envy.

It feels kind of wrong to try and think of something that I have that other people would want, but it's so easy to see that my relationship with my husband must be that thing. I can't imagine that anyone would look at our marriage and not envy it. I could go on and on listing his admirable qualities, but the truth is it's only perfect for me. No one else needs to know... no. No one else would understand why these things are so important.

Anyway, what I really want is to make a baby with this amazing man. I want to share him with someone because I know he will be as wonderful a father as he is a husband.

Stick baby, stick!

It's not as bad as I thought it would be.
The core of a pineapple tastes just like the rest of a pineapple, only chewier and less sweet.
Hope it works.

The pineapple express.

No, not the movie, the fruit. According to some message boards at thebump.com (where I am an on and off lurker) pineapple core contains bromelain enzymes which are supposed to help implantation by reducing inflammation. The suggestion was to slice the core of a pineapple into 5 sections and eat 1 piece each day after ovulation. Since I haven't been charting, I'm assuming I ovulated today (14 days before expected period).

Mom bought pineapple when she was here over New Years and made sure to bring me the core.
Sunday Nick went to the grocery and brought home a pineapple. Cute.

I need this.

My emotions are all over the place. I need to vent them.
I'm sad. I cried all yesterday morning. Then last night at Nick's work Christmas party we sat at a table with a retired couple and two pregnant couples. TWO. I tried all night to tell myself "No, I'm fine. It's cool! I'm having a good time!" Yeah. Then I tried the "get drunk and make my own damn fun" tactic. Couldn't catch a buzz!

My husband is amazing. He stayed by my side and didn't judge me or scold me for all the reckless emotions I kept throwing at him. I love you BB. I did end up having a pretty good night.






I'll just pretend someone will read what I write, and at least if I get this shit off my chest I will feel a little better.