street signs and books!

So this morning we're driving to daycare, and Oliver is telling me what all the street signs mean. There's the usual... STOP, Railroad Crossing, Speed Limit 35, etc.

Then he says "Oh! That sign says the Library is that way!" So I ask him if he wants to go to the library. He says, "nah... I'll do that when I get to college."

NO WAIT WHAT PARENTING FAIL

I may be overreacting here, but seriously? My kid's never been to a proper library?

Nick and I like reading and we also like devices. I have a Kindle, Nick has a Kindle, and Oliver even has that Tag Reader pen thing with like half a dozen books.

He also has a few favorite story books that we're getting super tired of reading over and over again. Why did I never think of taking him to the library and letting him borrow a few books and changing up the bedtime story rotation for free? Duh.

So we're going tomorrow and I'm stupid excited about it.




P.S. I'm on Goodreads, so my list of recent reads is there. I could have gone back in time and added in everything I've ever read, Harry Potter, Sweet Valley High, etc. but I didn't because lazy. I read a LOT of different genres, from YA to sci-fi to smut.

I'm doing their reading challenge for 2014... challenging myself to read 20 books this year. It doesn't seem like much of a challenge, but considering that I go in spurts of reading, 4 books in a row and then none for months... I'm aiming low.

the new and different things

Hi.

Wanna buy a house? We're selling the house (trying to at least), and looking for a new house with either an extra bedroom or a finished basement or both. Our current house is a ranch, which is great for old people and stuff but not so much for people that need storage or plan to have more than one child.

Because I'm pregnant ::confetti:: and a three bedroom with no basement is already not cutting it.

Yay baby! I'm 17 weeks along right now, and we're all very excited. Oliver insists it's a baby sister; I have no idea whatsoever. I do want to do some sort of pregnancy thing for this kid like I did with Ollie... at the very least because this will be my last pregnancy... so maybe I'll resurrect the quiz thing, that counts!

Speaking of which, 2 months later... how are the resolution/goals going?

Writing more has not really panned out. Obv. I have been reading more though, so I give myself half credit on that, since it involves my brain + words.

Right.

Let's see... I'm doing well with the water, and I'm pretty proud of myself for checking in with friends. I love my friends and it's easy to send a quick text or email and keep those connections strong. I'm also counting my mom time in here, because she's also important and good for me.

The money saving thing kinda went haywire because of the house, but I'm getting stuff in order. Including unsubscribing from a lot of tempting emails - even Zulily!

I have been kicking ass at work lately. I should have put "kick ass at work" instead of "be on time" and then I could be all YEAH, go me!

And I have been happily focusing on my marriage... especially since baby #2 is due in August and I'm prepared for the adding of another child to our family resulting in decreased QT with my husband. I've got something up my sleeve for our anniversary at the end of the month, so this is check plus.

So I'm happy, stressed, focused and hormonal. Life is grand. Till next time!

happy new year!

Here are my plans for 2014:

1. No fast food in January.
2. Write more, either here or elsewhere.
3. Drink at least 64 oz. of water a day.
4. Connect with a friend at least once a week.
5. Be kind to myself, relax and find joy in simple pleasures.
6. Save ahead for planned expenses like vacation, next Christmas, etc.
7. Refine my morning routine; be on time to work.
8. Cut out time-wasters. (Unsubscribe!)
9. Do one thing each day that will not need repeated.
10. Focus on my marriage. We are so, so worth it.

calling for backup

You may or may not know what it's like to be the only person (couple) in a 50-mile radius that you really trust to care for your young child. Sure, there are some less-than-involved grandparents in the area, but they were unreliable. Sad but true. Yeah, I have friends, but they're all either hundreds of miles away, or it's my one friend with a child who is super busy every day of her life.

Things have gotten so much easier lately. It's been a long time since I really felt like I had real backup... probably since before Nick's mom got sick.

So not only did I get my mom back, my dear cousin Ashley and her kid-loving husband Brandon moved home too!

I couldn't be more excited. We have real, reliable babysitters. We go on dates. Like, twice in the past two months. Whoa. And just when I get to missing him I get text updates.

Even better: now I don't stress about what might (will) happen when we have our second child. I know I will have help.

I am feeling so lucky and blessed and content right now!

quickly and simply

The Panzas have decided to lay off of fast food for the entire month of January.

I'm looking forward to it! We did it last January and it was great. It's a little difficult at first, because I have a serious love affair with pizza. But! it's great for the bank account, not to mention our health. Plus, it comes at a good time... with all the junk food we ate over the holidays... not to mention all the money spent around the holidays... So I'm laying off the McDonald's (ta-ta, Peppermint Mocha) and Nick's turning down the lunchtime trips to Subway.

Unfortunately, our habit affects dinner too... and Ollie's gotten used to getting a toy with his chickens and french fries as part of our normal grocery shopping routine. Yet another reason to knock it off. Usually every other week, the routine is for me to pick up the guys and run over to Burger King or Wendy's and grab some food before hitting the store. While not shopping on an empty stomach is good... and dinner out can make for a less stressful evening... we're making an effort to work around that.

Nick's going to try out doing the shopping before I get home from work. And if that doesn't work out well, we can always eat quickly at home or even go on the weekend, I guess. We like avoiding the weekend when possible, not only because there are more people to contend with, but junk like grocery shopping and cleaning cut into our precious family time.

Don't even get me started on the cleaning. Dang dog hair.

Anyhow, that's not a New Year's resolution, it's just something we're doing starting January 1. Ending January 31.

See, my real resolution is to be on time for work. Like, be at my desk by 8:05. Mostly because I just hate making Oliver rush around in the morning. Sweet boy likes to sleep as much as I do, and I don't want my childish inability to get my ass out of bed to affect him. So, I'm trying to grow up. Ha!

Especially since the end of 2012 was so dang nutty... at once happier and sadder than ever... it's time to streamline, clean up, simplify, and start over. I like 2013 already.

oh, what the hell.

I have a case of the happy. I'm doing well, Nick's fine. Oliver's a good kid. We have lots of summery, outdoorsy plans going on and I'm throwing myself into it.

He's going through some behavior issues at school, biting other kids and not listening and being a general shit and while it stresses me out, I'm happy to report that the whole "positive reinforcement" thing, both at daycare and at home, have really been working for us.

But still, I have this weird feeling. Not the kind that lodges itself in the pit of your stomach (that thing that can sort of be described as dread mixed with anxiety?), but the kind that attacks your brain, nagging and gnawing at the back of your thoughts.

I don't know what I want to say.... I don't have any planned out words here. I'm just gonna lay it all out there, so forgive me since I'm sure this will be a mess.

We're talking-about-trying-to-have-another-baby. I want this, so so much. I want to get pregnant. I want to have a sibling for Oliver. I want to snuggle and nurse and rock a tiny newborn.

The problem is, what then?

It's the money. It's always the money and I hate thinking about money and talking about money and I hate money. Because there isn't enough money.

Realistically, putting two kids in daycare... would cost roughly $1400 a month. That's almost all of the dollars I bring home every month.

One side of me, the side that wears rose-colored-glasses says, "Stay home!" Have my two children home with me and do crafts and play toys and take naps and shit. Maybe keep the house clean. Go to story time and the freaking library. I long to be home when Nick gets home from work. I want to be there to see Oliver's face light up when I call, "Daddy's here!" I've had the privilege of pickup only a handful of times when he's not been sick... it's epic smiles and flailing arms and little legs running.

But staying home with a newborn and a toddler? Eep. And would we really be able to make it work? We'd have to go without health insurance and probably sell my car. Would it be so much stress and struggle and cutting back that no one would end up really being happier?

Plus, Oliver thrives at daycare. And as much as I hated having to leave him every day, he loves it... and I've learned to live with it. They love him. He learns so much there and I'm scared that if I pull him out he'll spend way too much time watching Elmo and eating fruit snacks.

So, have another baby? Yes. But then what?

oh hey, May.

(Insert something here about how I randomly feel like blogging after an extended time of not blogging.)

And then, we jump right in.

The other day Oliver found a "credit card" (an old gift card with no balance left on it). Since Mother's Day was coming up, Nick asked him what he was going to buy to buy for Mommy. He said, "ummmm, Doc Hudson!"


for me

I got my nails done about two months ago. I still have some remnants of that polish left over on my toenails, and it looks downright shameful.

I am waiting not-so-patiently for my cell phone upgrade so I can get an iPhone. June 2nd you will find me at Best Buy or the AT&T store. My mom, husband, and pretty much everyone on Twitter has one, so getting a new phone with zero learning curve will but super sweet. I may or may not have put a couple cases and screen protectors on my Amazon Wishlist.

We have 3 vacations planned for this summer, along with a couple of day trips. We are going to be one busy family. But with the super warm spring we've already had, the happy fun times started early.

We went to Chicago with the Masons last weekend and had a really great trip. Oliver was a sweetheart in the car for 5 hours each way, and while there he played nicely with his friend the whole time.

flyin in the sky (Sky Deck at Willis Tower) on Friday May 18th

My boys have no fear. I don't know what it was... I don't think I'm super afraid of heights, but I could not step out on that glass balcony. Oliver was on there for maybe 5 minutes and I was ready to vomit.

We went to the Lincoln Park Zoo for the whole day on Saturday, but I don't have those pictures with me right now. In two weeks, this will not be a problem anymore since I will be able to take them with my OWN PHONE.

So, if I said I will post the pics from the zoo soon, would you believe me? :)

stuff... and clearing it out.

I got a brand new laptop. I paid for said laptop with "found money" - a.k.a. selling off some gold and silver jewelry. Nick has a nice laptop, and we both have cell phones. I carry around a 3rd gen iPod touch, but I don't really use it much.

My father in law has been preparing to move out of my mother in law's old house. This is heartbreaking, of course, because it's the house Nick grew up in and it will soon be empty. But that's a post for another day.

Among all the other emotions this brings up, I've been thinking a lot about "stuff". All the stuff that was in that house, years of clothes, knick-knacks, furniture, dishes, everything... it's all coming out of that house. Some of it is going to Gar's new house, and some of it is coming to our house. There is a giant pile of stuff in the middle of our garage that has to be sorted, donated, and packed away. I am the most sentimental sap you'll ever meet, so it's hard for me to look at the stacks of boxes and not see memories attached to everything. My first instinct is to keep anything that might have once been special. But there is absolutely no more storage left in this house, and really, what good would it do anyone to box things up and store them?

I'm at the point where I'm thinking that always upgrading and expanding our own lifetime's collection of stuff - whether it's the latest electronics or a few new winter-weather tops or mountains of toys - it gets to be more of a burden than a blessing. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm blessed to have family and friends that came out to celebrate Oliver's 2nd birthday and bring him presents. We will all soon be blessed with toys and clothes and things as presents for Christmas. My point here is that managing all of this stuff is a big job.

Our computer room/guest bedroom holds a desktop computer that we only use when we need to use the scanner. (The printer's been out of ink for a while now, but really, who prints things anymore?) The closets and dresser are jammed full of paperwork and stuff that hasn't see the light of day in a while. Even though the room is presentable enough for guests, it's still stressful thinking about all that stuff and how I'm going to have to go through it and sort and organize and hopefully sell and recycle and trash.

To my credit, I have already started on that dreaded process, it felt good to come up with two garbage bags full of stuff we didn't need to be storing anymore... broken toys hit the trash and things like the boxes from my new computer and a couple old cell phone boxes hit the recycle bin.

But really, how much stuff does one person, one family, really need? Sentiment aside, because I can't (and don't care to) change that particular trait of mine, purging and donating and paying it forward feels great. Instead of trying to find new ways to organize and store our stuff, why don't we take more time to really decide what to keep? We spend a good amount of time researching when we're after a new gadget, camera, whatever, etc... so why not spend some time looking around to decide what to get rid of first? It's a rule I've tried to live by, at least when it comes to clothes... one in, one out!

Except... I could probably use some new socks. Oh, and those sweet blue pumps I saw on Amazon.

here's a crazy acronym for something fun that will hopefully get me to write more: NaBloPoMo.

So. I just said the other day that I'm not a writer.

But what I didn't say is that I like writing, and I wish I did more of it. Even though I've come to accept it, I don't like the fact that I let stress hold me back in this area of my life. I like blogging.

So I think the main purpose of NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) is, well according to the badge at the very least, a way to improve your writing. From my understanding, the idea is that simply by getting you to write more often, you become better at letting the words out, and making them come out the way you want.

Basically, I'm using this to get myself at least thinking about writing more. Baby steps. If I have to think about writing something every day, maybe I can train myself to just sit down and let the words flow. Trial by fire, right?

Right now my blogging style is... half-assed in that I get an idea, and if I'm not doing anything else right at that particular moment, or in like the next five minutes, then I come blog about it.

Ok, no. I start a post. Then Save as Draft. Then some other time I come back and reword and edit and preview and then... wait a day or two. Then re-read one more time. Then schedule or publish. And that's if I don't have to go find the camera or get Nick to email me the picture I had in mind to go with the post.

So here I am, NaBloPoMo-ing along with some of the best (like her and her and her). My intent is to make blogging feel more like a natural, easy, enjoyable hobby, and less like the broken process it is now. This is going to be a challenge, and I'm excited!

accountability

So. Sometimes, the state of my house has been downright embarrassing. And not like: There's dog hair on the couch! but like: I think that's mold in the toilet bowl. Gross.

It seems like the only thing I really made an effort to keep up on was Oliver's room. He always has fresh blankets, clean clothes, things organized. No matter how lazy I am and how bad we let this place get, Ollie and his stuff are always clean and tidy. (Well, in the interest of full honesty, that's not always true of his high chair.) Point is, I never let my tendency to do the bare minimum of cleaning reflect on him.

Okay, this is starting to sound like we NEVER clean the house, which is not true. It's just that, like I said, we'd do the bare minimum. Laundry gets done when one of us runs out of clean underwear. Pots and pans get washed as they're needed.

That is, until now. Us Panzas had a heart to heart, and decided we needed to knock it off.

Being frustrated and overwhelmed all weekend because the house was a pigsty? Because we were super busy last weekend and now there's god-knows-what papers and stuff stacked on the dining room table? Because we get down to play on the rug come up with two weeks worth of dog hair?

Total bullshit. We felt sad, you know? Like what kind of example are we setting here? How do we teach our son responsibility when there's dishes piled in the sink and the refrigerator full of forgotten leftovers?

It has been four days since we hit our wall. We talked, decided, resolved, and got motivated and organized and shit. Not including last weekend, when I cleaned the shower, in only four days worth of weeknights, the house feels clean.

accountability. boom.

With our list posted on the fridge, we know what our chores are for the day. Just the simplest thing, breaking down everything that needs done so it doesn't pile up on us, and doing a little bit each day (with some catch-up) we're already feeling lighter, happier, and more like adults.

So, lovely friends, what do YOU do to keep up on the housework? Am I missing anything?

I don't know everything, but I know what I want.

I still read lots of articles and blogs about birth.

Ever since I experienced it, I feel close to it, like that magical motherhood club that you are automatically initiated into, I am now part of the natural (med-free) birth club. Even that right there, the re-defining of natural birth, is something I've only learned since giving birth. Some people define natural birth as simply delivering vaginally. There is a whole other community of people trying to change this definition, or at least reinforce that 'natural' means so much more. Natural birth can be a wonderful thing that leaves you feeling like you can take on the world, and I would know. Many studies and stories have taught me that having a med-free birth is better for breastfeeding too, since the baby and mother have no drugs in their system (except of course for the natural endorphin rush).

(Let me stop right here to say: I am not trying to change anyone's mind about their pregnancy, birth or feeding choices. If you're planning an induction? You're having a baby! Joy! As long as you feed your baby? Breast or bottle - you're a GREAT parent! I believe that moms should just support each other.)

I am by no means judging anyone whose choices are different than mine. What I'm trying to get into is the sadness I feel when I read about someone who wants to have a med-free labor and birth but gets pushed into interventions or even get things done to them without their consent or knowledge! Women who want to breastfeed but end up unable to because of unsupportive (or uneducated - a scary thought) hospital staff or because the pain of a c-section and recovery keep them from feeling comfortable with nursing.

I get that shit happens, things beyond our control sometimes will make medical interventions completely necessary. And honestly, thank God for them, because when needed they are there and can save lives.

The problem, in my eyes, is the lack of knowledge people seem to have about the whole thing. Can you really rely on the doctor to help you through the whole process? And if you do feel you can completely trust your doctor... does that mean that you don't need to have any research done, or any thoughts or ideas of your own? This is what upsets me, and has been clanging around in my brain over the past year and a half... why are women leaving their births up to someone else?

It is so common now for pregnant women to just assume that their caregivers (OB, Midwife, nurses, etc.) will always do what's in the best interest of the mother and baby. But when giving birth in a hospital, which is the standard - and birth centers or *gasp* home births are for hippies - it is unfortunately usually just a matter of doing what's routine for the doctors and nurses, not necessarily what the mother wants.

I've said before and I'll say again, I know I'm lucky to have such a great hospital nearby, and a wonderful OB and midwives in the practice I chose. But I also know that it's not necessarily everything it could be. A while after I wrote out my birth story, and after I dove into some online reading, I re-read it and was shocked to see my own words - in my rose-colored hindsight I had completely forgotten about the blown vein and the monitoring fiasco.

The first time I heard of a doula was in our birth class at the hospital, when the instructor said she was a post partum doula. At the time it didn't really sink in, but now I realize that's why it seemed like she only covered what she absolutely had to when it came to epidurals and IV medications. She flatly listed the available options, covered the risks, and answered questions. Most of the time was spent practicing breathing, visualization, and teaching the partners how to help. I thought it was weird at first, like why isn't she telling us more about the epidural? Isn't that what happens when you show up to the hospital in labor? (hahahahaha) I will forever be grateful to Lisa, although she may never know it, because she was the first one to help me begin to realize there are other options.

So? For next time? (No - I'm not pregnant) I'm excited. I'm going to the birth center. I'm birth-planning, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and possibly even encapsulating my placenta.

Again, I'm not saying my ideal way is the only way, or that if someone chooses a voluntary (informed consent) c-section, that they're not doing what's best for them. I just think that there needs to be more dialogue, more communication, more information shared between patient and provider(s). Nothing is perfect (including this crazy mess of a post) but giving birth is too important to let go.

got issues?

Here are my issues: September, 2010.

1.   I'm Cranky. With a capital C. I don't know what my problem is lately I've been missing Oliver. I mean, duh, you all know that. I'm sure at least part of it is a normal working mom thing, but I miss him terribly.


my angel


I've gone through all the logical excuses: PMS? Probably. I think. I'm not on the pill & forgot how to keep track other than with pills. Breastfeeding hormone swing? Possibly... as with everything else boob-related, I'm sure there's a mood-swing phase I have to go through while weaning, and it's officially been 3 full days since the last time Oliver nursed. I haz a big, big sad over this, but I can't dwell on it, because I can't see that doing any good for anybody.

I feel like I missed this big window of when staying home would have been "necessary" or "for the best" and now am starting to just feel selfish over the whole thing.

2.   I think I may have a body image problem. About two years ago, if you had asked me what my ideal weight goal would be, I'd have said 135 pounds. That's the weight I thought I should be... if I weighed that, I'd feel good about myself. Right now, I weigh 133 pounds. Yet when I look in the mirror I don't see any difference. I mean, yeah, my clothes were FALLING OFF (seriously, I needed some new pants because I tripped over them so many times.) I now have two pairs that fit & are acceptable for work that are size 6. I'm not bragging, just saying, because I still don't see that version of myself I thought I would.

I'm thinking maybe I don't see it because I didn't work for it. I mean, after I delivered Oliver, the weight just came off, and kept coming off. I couldn't eat much at the end of my pregnancy, and for a while after I forgot both how to eat and to eat period (I know this is common.) So I guess with my new eating style and the "extra" 500 calories burned per day producing breastmilk I just slimmed down somehow. People comment all the time on how skinny I am, but I guess the problem is that (most of the time) I just don't feel attractive.

3. I'm having trouble being motivated for more than one thing at a time. I'm planning Oliver's birthday party, making sure I spend QT with Nick, tackling debt, blogging, keeping up on the house, but it's like one thing per day. If I spend time thinking about the party, then I feel like I'm not giving Nick enough time & attention. If I spend a Saturday with my guys, just soaking in the family, I feel like I should have carved out some time to clean or pay bills. And blogging ALWAYS feels like a guilty pleasure, no matter how supportive my awesome husband is.

in which the WIN outweighs the FAIL, but only barely

I've been thinking more and more (last week was a MAJOR SUCK and this week was only slightly better) about quitting work, seeing my guy all the time, and working to get the finances in order. I've been entirely too LAZY about paying the bills (they're getting paid - no worries) like: I pay the electric bill approximately once a month. Due date, shmoo date, really, because the electric company doesn't charge late fees and it gets paid often enough that it's not going to get shut off or something. The other day I took about an hour and set up auto-pay on some stuff. So hey! I got something accomplished! WIN

We are refinancing the house. We got a pretty good rate, signed the initail paperwork, paid the fee (stupid), and we're now the appraiser's coming Tuesday. *fingers crossed* I'm not too worried about the house appraising for enough, since all those home value estimate websites have reassured me. WIN

I want to trade in my car. We don't need 2 SUVs, and we definitely don't need a car payment that's almost $500 a month. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. FAIL

At work today, I asked a caller "can I transfer you to his boyfriend? I mean, voicemail?" Oh, and I just called my friend's grandma a freak. Words: FAIL

In other non-name-calling news: I'm going to visit my BFF this weekend! Remember how I helped throw her baby shower a few months ago? Well, that baby boy is here, and we're road trippin' on down to sniff see that bundle of joy! Hooray for babies, friends and long weekends! WIN

The stupid fancy pants comments system on the blog has been all janky. I tried something new and shiny because I'm a geek and I was all oooh WIDGETS, and it failed. I'm trying to figure out how to uninstall the thing because now all the comments are missing and I'm just done. FAIL

But! I did add a couple pages up at the top and I think it's time for a new header soon. I moved all of my blog friends links to a separate page, Visit my Friends! so if you feel like surfin' start there! (OH! And while you're here, maybe vote for me on Picket Fence? kthxbai) I "designed" one of those buttons (hint: it's the FIRST one) and it was fun, so if anyone out there wants me to whip up something for you or if you'd like to see your link on that page, just let me know! WIN

on the fence

in more ways than one.

#1

• pumping at work may be coming to an end. I'm not getting very much any more... and it's hard to justify the time commitment. (just for me, not anything to do with other people at work)
• also, pumping sucks. It's weird and not fun and I will be glad when I don't have to do it anymore. I'm pretty much just down to once a day now, at lunch.
• that said, I'm not giving up nursing in the morning and at night. Don't have to, don't want to.
• so, Oliver's 8 1/2 months old and I guess this is the start of weaning. I'm on the fence between ok with that and sad that my baby is growing up, which I am very much would be at any age.
• looks like there's less of this in my near future





• and more of this - which is OK because I love seeing my two best guys hanging out

#2

• we've been talking a lot lately about finding a way for me to quit my job
• I know lots of working moms think about this - but it's gotten to the point where, for me, there's almost no other option. You'd think that after 6+ months it would get a little easier to drop him off at daycare, but it hasn't for me. It just feels wrong.
• I still tear up every single Monday morning.
• so we're working on scaling back monthly payments as much as possible. We've cancelled the cable, consolidated some bills, and traded in the truck for a pretty Trailblazer with a lower payment

• just a few more steps and we'll be there...
• this is the (second) most exciting and scary thing I've ever planned on doing
• I'm on the fence about whether to fully throw myself into being excited and planning for this - or being extremely cautious, not getting my hopes up because what if it doesn't work out?
• what if we plan and plot and scrimp and save and we still can't afford it? what if I quit for a few years and then can't find a job when I need one again? what if I feel like I've missed out on something - am I giving up too much? I don't really consider my job a career, but at least it's a work history with no gaps...
• what if I'm not as good at being home full time as I think I'll be? I don't have delusions of being able to keep a perfect house with zero dust and all that... but what if I still feel like something's missing
• I can't imagine that, really... anything would be better than missing him all day long while coming to a workplace that I have to try so hard to get any enjoyment from
• more like: what if I feel like I'm not living up to expectations (whose? mine?) what if I feel inadequate?
• I need to get all of this doubt out of my head and just focus
• who wouldn't want to spend all day with this guy?

#3

• So. Now that I've unleashed the crazy (and my boob) on all of you
• I bit the bullet and joined one of those blog ranking sites!
• the more times you vote for me, the higher my link gets in the list.
• which would (in theory) lead to my little corner of the internet being viewed by more people.
• I used to have some regular readers from the Philippines, I wonder what happened to them?
• anyway, Team NinjaPanza!
• the site allows you to vote once per day - the button is to the right there, underneath my "followers"
• click, please?

The Great Cereal Debate

My baby boy is growing up. His doctor says he's ready for solid foods, starting with rice cereal... we can introduce one new food at a time, try it out for five days, and if there are no adverse reactions, we can chalk that one up as "good", then give him another new food. Food. For my baby.

I didn't know how hard this was going to be for me.

It's for the best, really, because I haven't been able to keep up with him as far as pumping at work what he'll need for the next day. I am tired of stressing myself out about it, but at the same time, it's the beginning of a process that will eventually wean him. I'm not saying that solid foods are going to kill our nursing relationship, but eventually he'll want more food and less milk. In my hormone-riddled mind, this means he'll want more independence and less mommy. The time is just flying by, getting away from me even, and I'm upset about it.

It's frustrating because he'll eat the cereal when he's at home (at least at first) when I'm right there and able to feed him.  It's when we're apart that I feel like I'm having the trouble... *sigh*... it's all so unfair.

So then there comes the logistics. We feed him cereal in the evening, which we'll have to use some breast milk to thin out. After that I'll nurse him to make sure he's full. Then after that I'll have to pump at home to make sure my supply doesn't compeletely tank. Cause, ya know, supply and demand. The upside of this is that the extra pumping session should make up for what I didn't produce during the work day. The downside is that once he gets used to and proficient at eating solids I'll get one less nursing session with my baby. Cue the beginning of the end waterworks.

It feels like he's growing up so fast that I must have missed something. I know it's silly, I haven't missed anything, I see my little guy every day and really try to cherish every moment... but still. 4 and 1/2 short months ago he was a teeny tiny newborn and now he's sitting up and laughing and ready to eat with a spoon.

Not to be all doom and gloom and WAH WAH mah wittle BAYBEE... it is exciting too. I mean, yay! Food! Nick is so excited to be reaching this milestone and taking part in the cuteness that is sure to be coming our way (stay tuned for the video) and I will get to feed him this way too, but it's a big change for me. And I'm not so good with change. It was SO HARD for me to come back to work and start pumping every day (which I will still have to do, of course) and I feel like I just got a handle on that routine (minus the supply issues) and now out of nowhere he's growing up, turning into a little boy and he's ready for something more and different.

To be completely honest, part of me feels like I'm being left behind. I flash forward to first steps, going off to school, girlfriends, driving, and I'll-listen-to-rap-music-if-I-want-to-MOM! It makes me sad.

Nick tells me not to worry. He says that all that stuff is forever away. He says right now we nurture him and teach him and watch him grow into the cutest little man the world has ever known. Of course I see his logic, but I still feel so conflicted... excited for the future, yet already nostalgic. I guess that's parenthood?

The One Where I Almost Dropped the Baby

So, this weekend went well. We got a bit of the cleaning done... Nick dusted and vaccuumed, and I did laundry and started organizing the paperwork. Sunday night as we settled in to watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (OMG KISS) I started feeling guilty, thinking I could have done more. I mean, I had TWO WHOLE DAYS and this is all I got done??

But, baby steps. It's ridiculous for me to expect to get everything done in one weekend. Besides, we did leave the house... so it's not like I spent those two days on the couch, settled into my comfy butt dent, watching my sweet baby sleep. Well, I did do that, but not ALL weekend, which is the point. Balance. Baby steps. Small victories.

Moving on.

Anyway, one of the things we did outside of the house was go to Costco. Yay for wearing our grownup pants! Because bulk toilet paper & ground meat = grownups, right? Anyway, we now have our membership cards, complete with icky little black & white pictures.

So here's the real story: We get home from Costco, and Ollie's starting to fuss and make his hungry face.

I scoop him up out of the carseat and head toward the living room... probably munching on his cheeks or something. (As many times as I've replayed this in my head, I still don't exactly know what happened.)

I turn the corner to go from the dining room into the living room, not realizing that the GATE to keep the dog off the couch is still in the doorway. I fall forward, landing on my knees on the gate.
As I'm trying to stand up, Nick rushes in, "OMG are you OK?!? " Oliver's crying, and I can't remember if he was crying before I fell. I'm crying.
"Are you OK??!?"
"I don't know. Take him. Is he OK?"
"He's OK."

I slowly get up off the floor and hobble back to the bedroom.
"Check his head... did I bonk him?"
"He's OK honey... you had your hand behind his head."
"I did?"

So I take my pants off, because I'm sure that my knees are bleeding. They are not, but the left one is pretty badly scraped and both are really lumpy and already turning purple.

I lay in bed, on my side, to feed him. He stops crying, starts eating. I'm stroking the back of his little head, feeling for lumps. I'm still crying, and replaying the whole thing over and over again in my head... Did his head hit the ground? Mommy FAIL.

Nick says that I was already starting to stand up when he came into the room. He says I had my hand behind his head. All I remember is BANG slam CRASH ouch WAHHH!

Ollie starts to doze off and I start thinking what if he has a concussion? Isn't that when I'm not supposed to let him fall asleep or he will slip into a coma? Needless to say, we spent about an hour laying in bed, until I was sure he was OK and felt like getting up.

So, yes. There's my big update for the week. That's the plan, anyway, at least once a week until I'm all caught up. But I'm slow at work today, so I'll probably work on a few. Y'all may get lucky next week

This Blog Sucks

And here's why:

I am such an awful procrastinator. I have all these wonderful blog posts rattling around in my head, but I can't post them. Why? Because I'm behind in my blogging. Doesn't make sense, does it? See: I can't post about what happened the other day while pumping at work, because I haven't posted Ollie's 2 month pictures (or 3 months either, hell).

Working titles of the posts half formulated in my head:

• Pumping the boobs - tips and tricks, awkward moments at work, and the pressure of building a freezer stash
• 100 reasons why I love my son's dad
• I think I like my job!
• How does she DO that? a.k.a. Krista's "I'm not dealing with that shit" life
• OH the drama of my car
• Oliver's first Christmas (CRAP!)
• A hard habit to break  
• Baby, you can have whatever you like

And I have a few videos! I want to edit the videos and post them because he gives such great smiles and lives to play with his daddy and he smiles at the pictures on his nursery walls! Oh and he loves his mobile so much! The world needs to see these things but I put it off and put it off because I don't have time at work to really put the thought into it, and at home I get so distracted wanting to spend every waking second just looking at him.

So here's the real problem: it's gone from "eh, I'll get to it this weekend" to "oh crap I am so far behind I'll never catch up, so screw it."
But I can't do that because I love writing and from what my family and friends say I'm good at it and they enjoy reading it. So I have to fix this. It may be a jumbled mess around here for a while, but I can't just give up (the way I have apparently given up scrapbooking *sob*) because I feel like if I don't keep up with some kind of chronicle of his life then I'll forget all the little moments that are just SO special... the same ones that keep me rushing home from work to be no more than inches away from him all evening.

But it's not just the blog. I haven't balanced the checkbook in two months. Yeah, the bills get paid (with the exception of the water bill because the stupid computer doesn't remind me and my lovely spiral bound calendar of when things are due is long buried - oops.) I hate knowing there are piles of papers, envelopes and receipts waiting to consume me.
I can't get organized because I'm SO unorganized. I still need to file our taxes, but if course how am I supposed to do that when there are bills to be organized and the computer room is in shambles?

I had to wear Nick's socks to work the other day for cryin' out loud! Would I rather stress myself out and run late in the morning than do a freaking load of laundry on a weeknight? Answer: no. But you can't tell from the state of my closet/hamper/laundry room!
And don't get me started on the dog hair, the inch of dust, the icky toilet, the coffee stained kitchen floor. The only reason the dishes ever get done is Nick the Amazing cleans the kitchen
before Ollie gets a bath!

In short, I feel like I'm failing at this whole working mom thing. I have no routine. I'm LAZY. There are so many women who get it right and I feel like I'm not one of them... but I could be.

Which brings me to my POINT du jour... what I realized the other night while laying in bed nursing him to sleep... if I just DO THE SHIT that's been bugging me and giving me that nagging feeling in the back of my brain every night, then my time spent with him will be that much BETTER!

I recalled this post from No Ordinary Rollercoaster (thanks Ben - no you don't know me but I lurk and intend to comment often) which I will paraphrase:
"The other day I had an epiphany... "DUDE. DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN ACTUALLY JUST DO STUFF AND THEN IT STOPS STRESSING YOU OUT?!?!?!"

What I wouldn't give to be stress-free, without this awful feeling that I'm being naughty by putting off the "important" household tasks that need attention. Dishes and laundry and vaccuuming are stupid, yes. But if I would just DO IT, then I could actually move on to more entertaining tasks like blogging, and packing up all the adorable tiny outfits that Oliver no longer fits into because OH MY God he is getting to be such a big boy with the holding his head up all the time and the SMILES...

... there I go again.

I just want to let my shoulders relax and enjoy being a mom. So I will. THIS WEEKEND. STARTING RIGHT NOW.

I will no longer be a lazy sack of crap. I will not let my OWN life overwhelm me anymore.

This blog will no longer suck.

7 weeks

How far along: 7 weeks

Maternity clothes: Got one of those Be Bands from Target. It's like a tube top that you wear around your waist to cover up the fact that your pants are unbuttoned.

Stretch marks: Nope.

Sleep: I still love sleep, but I've been having trouble staying asleep. Seems like I wake up at least twice a night, wide awake, and have to lay there and try to get my comfy spot back without waking Nick up.

Best moment this week: I got a picture of you, baby blob! Also... Movement: None that I could feel, but we saw the flutter of a heartbeat!!!

Food cravings/aversions: Still craving pizza/I discovered this morning that I want nothing to do with tuna fish.

Gender: I think I want a girl too, but I've been feeling boy.

What I miss: Can't think of a single thing right now.

What I am looking forward to: going to Chicago this weekend! Yeah, we decided to go even with everything that's going on at work, we still felt like we deserved a little baby-moon. So, Sears Tower, Navy Pier and Lincoln Park Zoo here we come!

What I have learned: When it comes to doctor's appointments, you must be willing to WAIT.

Milestones: First prenatal appt, first ultrasound (which was free - love that doc), first official pounds gained due to pregnancy, not just due to being a hog.

Also, I changed the color scheme from pink to green because we don't know if sweet pea is a boy or a girl, but I do know that sweet peas are green.

Here's what's up.

At home: I felt really crappy and crampy after my “procedure” and I slept most of the day.
(Thanks Rachel, for describing it better than I could.)

The good news is that Doc said everything looked normal so that's one thing off my mind. Nick gave a sample… he took the day off with me to drive me home so we figured just get it all done in one day. We are still waiting on the results from that, but I am not too worried.

At work: Things have been pretty crazy. I got moved from the finance department to working the front desk for the whole company. I guess this is technically a promotion but for now it is only temporary. TEMPORARY.

The whole story is: there was a girl here that was pregnant and due May 1st. She ended up having her baby last week (2 months early!). So, this week coming up is the Big Show and now they are short handed and of course the company is not making as much money.

(What company is? Seriously, let me know... I need a new job!)

So they fired one guy that was working in finance and instead of firing me too they moved me here and the girl that was here is now training to do the new mom’s job. IF the new mom decides to come back to work after her maternity leave, I may or may not have a job, depending on how business is doing. BAD NEWS.

We are still going ahead with our kitchen project, I am expecting a check from a life insurance policy that I cancelled and we were going to use that money for the countertops and backsplash rather than using the Home Depot card because those are the really expensive parts and we didn’t want to finance that much. We used the credit card (before I found out about this mess) for the paint and bought a pantry cabinet that Nick and Dan already installed. (It looks great!)

I will post kitchen pics as soon as I bounce back.

I will just save that check for a rainy day (or 2 mortgage payments) but we are probably not going to Chicago because even if I do have a job in April I won’t have any vacation time until May.

Chicago!

We're planning a trip to Chicago in April, kind of for our anniversary, but mostly because Nick's never been and we want to have a vacation that's just the two of us before a baby comes. As much as I bitch about how I've been wanting to get knocked up and how it's been almost six months and I feel like it will never happen, I'm optimistic that it will be soon. So, I've been trying to look for activites that will still be fun when I'm fat.

As of right now: (notice - lots of food)
Leaving Thursday April 9th
Friday: weather permitting: the Lincoln Park Zoo (it's free!), Chicago-style hot dogs and pizza, visiting Navy Pier, a boat tour - one that goes up thru the city, and possibly includes lunch or dinner
Saturday: Sears or Hancock tower (not sure which), maybe a museum, Buckingham Fountain, Fogo de Chao (a Brazilian steakhouse - thanks for the tip, Jen!)
Sunday: sleeping late, driving home