good mornings

A few months ago, I explained this gist of this article to Oliver. I told him that I'm going to make time to connect with him every morning, so that his brain can wake up peacefully. I asked him what he would like to do if we had a few minutes to spend together and he said, "play Legos."

The next morning I went in his room, flipped on the light, and gathered his clothes. I laid in his bed and asked Siri to set a timer for 5 minutes. We snuggled for a minute and then got up and played Legos until the alarm sounded. He liked what I built. :) It was freaking magical. He got dressed on his own and went downstairs. I didn't have to ask him more than once to get his shoes, jacket, backpack, etc. He told me twice that he liked connecting with me. He let the dog out. He poured his own milk.

I didn't expect this miracle to repeat itself daily, and honestly I haven't been the best at reserving a set amount of time with him, but it has made an impact. This school year has thrown some interesting challenges at us, and I really think that getting down on his level - literally and figuratively, can only help us navigate what we'll face in the years to come.

As the new year begins, I will continue to make time for his little soul. My favorite quote from the article says, "...fill your child’s cup before the day starts, and reconnect after the separation of the night." They're only this age once!

second grader

this is a post about tampons

I tried Lola tampons, and told some friends that I'd let them know how I liked them, so... here we go!


Packaging:

First of all, shipping was free! The packaging is great, just what you'd want for a subscription box of tampons: a plain brown box. The individual boxes themselves are plain white, with the word Lola on the side. That's it. No hot pink nonsense or pictures of women playing volleyball or whatever.

The Goods:

So, these are tampons. Not a whole lot to observe here, but there are some differences to point out between Lola and other major brands.

1. Lola tampons are 100% cotton. They feel like... cotton. Soft, and also a little fuzzy, with no "coating" them. In the interest of full disclosure, here's what's in Tampax: http://tampax.com/en-us/tips-and-advice/period-health/whats-in-a-tampax-tampon.

2. They're a little wider. Not longer thankfully, but bigger around. Enough that I noticed, but not uncomfortably so.

3. Plastic applicators. I personally prefer them to cardboard, but they're not exactly environmentally friendly here, so worth a mention. Also, they are pocket-friendly kind that you pull up to a click and then use as normal.


The Nitty Gritty:

1. When it's full, it's FULL. These are not the "braided" strings that provide a little backup. I don't know if it's just getting used to something new, or bad timing on my part, but it was a good thing I wore a pantyliner on my heaviest day. (UPDATE: this was totally just me getting used to them. No issues since.)

2. The lack of a coating (the "thin fabric around the absorbent core" on other tampons) does affect insertion and removal, but I didn't find it to be uncomfortable.

3. Absorbency seems to be on par with the major brands. I ordered 4 regular, 10 super, and 4 super+ in each box.


I wanted to try these because after having two kids, my periods are unpredictable... some months it's what I'd call "normal," and sometimes it's a mess and I'm an unprepared teenager all over again... so it's great to be able to customize each box to whatever you need. You get 18 to work with and each month can be a different mix if you want!

UPDATE: The absolute BEST part is that after three months my cramps are basically GONE. I wouldn't have believed that organic cotton would make that big of a difference, but I experienced it for myself! I still feel a little crampy, but nothing like the freaking giving-birth-contractions I used to get. I seriously couldn’t be happier!

Get $5 off your order when you use my sign up code spanza1 at https://goo.gl/KT223F New customers get 2 boxes for the price of 1, or 3 boxes for the price of 2. 

street signs and books!

So this morning we're driving to daycare, and Oliver is telling me what all the street signs mean. There's the usual... STOP, Railroad Crossing, Speed Limit 35, etc.

Then he says "Oh! That sign says the Library is that way!" So I ask him if he wants to go to the library. He says, "nah... I'll do that when I get to college."

NO WAIT WHAT PARENTING FAIL

I may be overreacting here, but seriously? My kid's never been to a proper library?

Nick and I like reading and we also like devices. I have a Kindle, Nick has a Kindle, and Oliver even has that Tag Reader pen thing with like half a dozen books.

He also has a few favorite story books that we're getting super tired of reading over and over again. Why did I never think of taking him to the library and letting him borrow a few books and changing up the bedtime story rotation for free? Duh.

So we're going tomorrow and I'm stupid excited about it.




P.S. I'm on Goodreads, so my list of recent reads is there. I could have gone back in time and added in everything I've ever read, Harry Potter, Sweet Valley High, etc. but I didn't because lazy. I read a LOT of different genres, from YA to sci-fi to smut.

I'm doing their reading challenge for 2014... challenging myself to read 20 books this year. It doesn't seem like much of a challenge, but considering that I go in spurts of reading, 4 books in a row and then none for months... I'm aiming low.

Just, NO.

There's a disgusting story in the news around my home town lately... involving rape that took place at a daycare. I can't even believe I just typed that sentence. A woman who worked as a daycare provider is accused of "engaging in sexual conduct with an unknown infant."

Normally I would cover my ears, scroll past news, and completely hide from a story involving anyone hurting a baby. My heart can't handle these types of mental images... I feel the pain of the parents as if it were my own.

But, for some reason, I didn't ignore the news this time. Maybe it was literally too close to home? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm sick over it.

Aside from the disgusting mental images my brain has had to process... the parents learned about this from the police and were asked to IDENTIFY THEIR CHILD IN THE VIDEO... and then the vile daycare ownership had the nerve to ask the parents to "keep it discreet."

Just... F no. No no no no no.

AND THEN. Apparently to just add insult to injury every news story online, be it Facebook or the local paper's website or whatever, there's some jackass that has to comment "Just watch your own kids, problem solved." or "This is why I never let anyone but my mom watch my babies." (Why do I torture myself by even reading the stupid comments?)

To them, I reply: F you. Get your stupid head out of your dumb ass.

Wouldn't it be nice if we lived in a fairytale land where everyone had that option? Whoever wants to stay home with their kids, they can! Both parents work? Well then grandma or somebody can watch them! Not some STRANGERS, right?

Wrong.

Ignorant. Self-righteous. Assholes. Some people are just terrible, awful humans and they could even be related to you. Reality check, moron: you really can't trust anyone. Unthinkable, but it's the truth.

You do your due diligence. Research, pray, go with your gut instinct, etc. and all of the above... but in the end, we really just put ourselves out there and hope for the best and God help us all because they're BABIES.

I'm sad. I'm scared. But yet I get up each day and take MY beloved son to daycare, where I know the teachers by their first names and I feel like they have his best interests at heart. Then I go to work, dig in, and wait to hear about his day. Every day, I hope it was a good day.

I do what I do because it's what I feel is best for my family, forever and ever, amen.

Thursday thoughts. Parenting ponderings.

I was just thinking that it's ridiculous how our priorities in life flip as we get older.

When you're young? The only thing that matters is playing.

Toddlers, Preschoolers, Little kids... it's all about getting through the boring stuff to playtime. Recess is everyone's favorite subject!

As teens, it was hanging out with your friends, talking/texting/flirting, singing along to the radio... all playing.

Then as young adults: Everybody's working for the weekend... (what's up! showing my age!) Let's do some day drinking, play some videogames, or watch Legally Blonde for the 48th time.

Now, with a child, we still work toward the fun times... but adult fun (shut up) is different. Sometimes it's the family vacation we've been planning for. Sometimes it's just an hour to read. Most times (for me, anyway) it has to do with getting some time to just not THINK. Getting a pedicure, playing candy crush, reading a book on my Kindle like a damn grown up.

Anyway.

The other thing is sleep. I love sleep. My brother and I decided that if we started a band we'd call ourselves "Defenders of Sleep" because we've taken a lot of crap from people over our love (and ability) to sleep.

If I could sleep 15 hours a day, I'd be thrilled just to have the time, with no other responsibilities. But honestly, I don't know if I could physically sleep that much anymore. (I'd give it a try, though.) I never thought I'd say this, but since becoming a parent I just... wake up sooner. I don't "need" more than 9 hours of sleep and I don't just knock out cold until somebody yells at me anymore.

I'm obsessed with Oliver's sleep too. Not exactly in that way that all parents are, like just generally wishing for "more sleep". But I want him to go to sleep, and stay there... it's irrationally important to me that he gets ENOUGH sleep. So much so that I will give in to the threenager stalling tactics just so he will fall out sooner. Because the fact that I have to wake him up at 7 every morning is a killer mom guilt moment. Basically, my little precious angel snowflake should be able to sleep until the morning sun fairies gently kiss his eyelids awake.


*And also, I'm maybe jealous. If Nick wanted to help me to go to sleep, and would sit and pat my back and rub my hair? THAT WOULD BE OKAY.

calling for backup

You may or may not know what it's like to be the only person (couple) in a 50-mile radius that you really trust to care for your young child. Sure, there are some less-than-involved grandparents in the area, but they were unreliable. Sad but true. Yeah, I have friends, but they're all either hundreds of miles away, or it's my one friend with a child who is super busy every day of her life.

Things have gotten so much easier lately. It's been a long time since I really felt like I had real backup... probably since before Nick's mom got sick.

So not only did I get my mom back, my dear cousin Ashley and her kid-loving husband Brandon moved home too!

I couldn't be more excited. We have real, reliable babysitters. We go on dates. Like, twice in the past two months. Whoa. And just when I get to missing him I get text updates.

Even better: now I don't stress about what might (will) happen when we have our second child. I know I will have help.

I am feeling so lucky and blessed and content right now!

three and a half.

I love three and a half. It's like, he still a little bi-polar crazy person, with mood swings that put PMS to shame, but oh man he is so much fun.

Sometimes when he wakes up in the morning he's happy to see me. On days like this he will smile & tell me he slept well. Other days, he yells at me, demanding that I leave him alone. Oh, and fetch my milk, woman!

I let him pick his shirt: penguin or Toy Story? He giggles & smiles & laughs because, of course Toy Story!

Then he cries because his snow boots are too small. I tell him it's summer, his feet will get too hot anyway: this could either result in a meltdown or indifference to the fact that I am even in the room.

In the car, he cocks his little head to the side and looks at me in the rear view mirror saying, "Mommy! You forgot my gummy! SILLY Mommy!"

Thankfully we're still in the garage... so I obligingly run back in the house for the precious gummy vitamin.

We see a tractor. We listen to his current favorite song, "For the Longest Time" by Billy Joel.

He goes to school and learns to write his name.

Self portrait, signed by the artist. 5/27/2013

On Tuesdays he has soccer class. He stretches big, listens well, and admires Coach James.


has big muscles

He comes home and tells me he has fast running feet.We practice in the backyard and he shows me all his new skills.

Bedtime can go either way, but he's generally a good listener even if he's a little wild. That time between 6:00 and 8:00 at night can be so draining... we're all tired from a long day, you know?

But when I wake up in the morning to find this:

I can't help but smile. I've forgotten that he smacked me in the face with his empty milk cup. I listen to his peaceful, even breathing for a minute. I hope this morning will be more silly than grumpy.

The good always outweighs the bad.

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the right direction

Last week I found out that one of Oliver's preschool teachers is pregnant.

Up until that point, apparently, that news would have instantly made me cry.

Don't get me wrong, it's still hard to hear about other people's pregnancies when I still feel like I should be in the middle of my own... the one we lost.

But that day, my gut reaction was to congratulate her, not immediately tear up and whimper "why not me?" Which is such a huge step for me.

So I don't know if 3 months is a long time or a short time or average, but that's how long it took me to accept my loss. To be able to think about it, talk about it, and most importantly, look ahead.


And to Jen: I'm sorry I missed these last three months celebrating with you. You've been so understanding and patient with me, and I can't wait to see you and hug you. And please, call me after that ultrasound appointment, I promise I'll be waiting by the phone!

We're dino-crazy.

This is Buddy. His favorite thing in the world is riding the Dinosaur Train.

So when we were in Washington DC this summer, at the end of our visit to the Natural History Museum, we told Oliver he could get a toy. We were all tired and he'd had such a long day and he had been so good... the boy deserved a reward. So I parked his stroller next to a souvenir stand and told him to pick out whatever he wanted. He picked a random three-pack of dinosaur toys. I think I actually tried to talk him out of them because they were from some show we'd never seen and I guess maybe I thought he'd be happier with some generic dinosaurs. I don't know.

Fast-forward to the trip home... we stopped at a Waffle House for dinner. (Scattered, smothered, covered and chunked - FYI) and another mom at the table next to us pointed out Oliver's toys to her son. Who then proceeded to tell us the names of the things and also what time periods they were from and some other random info. I smiled and nodded, talking to the mom, who told us her son had started out watching the dinosaur show and now he new everything about them. Cute, her son liked dinosaurs. They're a nice family.

So maybe a week later I came across Buddy there on the Netflix. What the hell, I thought. Better than another episode of Elmo's World, I thought.

I created a monster.

In the best way.

Confession: I love this show.

We know all the songs (and I have come thiiisclose to purchasing the soundtrack), we can identify theropods and pterosaurs and name their features, we have a running joke in our house about how Don likes to eat bugs, and Oliver was seriously bummed that he was not a stygimoloch.

He can recognize each episode by its Netflix thumbnail. We have yet to actually catch it on PBS, but now that there's new episodes I'm going to have to figure out the air times, because OMG new Dinosaur Train. I have 2 PBS Kids apps on my phone.

We're dino-crazy, and it's fun. We like it. It made for a really great birthday party.

Just ask Oliver about Dr. Scott... he'll tell you that's his friend, the paleontologist, who wants us to get outside, get into nature, and make our own discoveries.

one of my finer parenting moments

Oliver has been playing "party" the last couple weeks. Like, he'll jump around and say it's a dance party, or he'll get up on our bed and have a party and say the pillows are the cake and presents.

We have a lot of pillows.

So the other day he was playing in our room and found a bag of decorations and supplies from his birthday party.

Yes, I'm very organized.

So he pulls out this roll of ribbon and says, "What is this? Can I play with it?"

Decision time. Do I let him unravel it and get it all tangled up or do I take it away and try some distraction when he (inevitably) gets pissed?

We had a party. I helped with the decorations & the cupcakes were delicious.

planning ahead {tiny prints}

Whether it's laying out clothes the night before, or grocery shopping according to our menu-plan, everybody knows that planning ahead makes for less stress. I've been trying to do more of these types of things. (I did laundry on a weeknight, you guys!) I could use less stress.

In the next 2 months we have:

• Halloween
• My mom coming to visit for 2 whole weeks (!) (not really a stressor, just a little something that alters the routine.) (in a good way.) (love you, Mom!)
• Oliver's birthday party
• Thanksgiving
• My cousin's wedding, where I am a bridesmaid, Nick is the minister, and Oliver is the ring bearer (yes, I'm serious)
• The rehearsal for said wedding (admittedly, this is all Nick. I have an appointment in my calendar reminding me to attend the meeting with the bride & groom.)
• and THEN maybe I can think about Christmas. Yeah, like, right before Christmas.

Sooo, if I want any chance at pulling it all together, I've gotta start now. Since there's really only so much you can do ahead of time... at the very least, I can streamline. Here's what I'm thinking:



Photo Christmas Cards

1. Get Oliver's birthday/Christmas pictures ASAP (as soon as November 1st, they'll have the Christmas stuff available at the portrait studio). I already do this all in one session - just makes sense with his birthday in November.
2. With a few exceptions/additions, anyone I would send Christmas cards to has also been invited to his birthday party, so this can kinda double as a birthday/thank you type thing.
3. Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! Tidings of Comfort and Joy and Bring Me Some Figgy Pudding!

What do you think? Is this totally against protocol and I'm crazy for thinking I can combine birthday and Christmas like this, or am I totally inspired (by Jess) and you're excited to see the result?

This is a sponsored post. I'm receiving a credit to Tiny Prints in exchange. You can check out their special offers here. Can I take a nap now?

(Please say excited!)

if it ain't broke, and I don't fix it, what happens?

As it turns out, I'm the kind of mom who will rock my boy to sleep - at two years old - if that's what works for us.

Books, and maybe some doctors, and most of the internets, say that he should have learned to fall asleep on his own by like 9 months old, but I don't so much care what they say. Maybe it's the "attachment parent" in me, or maybe it's that I'm lazy and don't really want to battle "sleep training", but I like to think that as a mom, his mom, I know what's good for us.

Oliver sleeps 10 hours a night, every night. He has nights where I'd rock him and he wouldn't fall asleep in his usual 20 minutes, and rarely those nights have stretched out into full-on two-and-a-half hour rocking shhh-ing marathons. But since he was about 8 months old, he's slept thru the night.

(Even those times though, there wasn't really a lot of kicking, screaming, bargaining, etc., mostly just calm confusion. Like, we'd look at each other and I'm thinking "why aren't you asleep yet, kid?" and he's looking at me like, "I don't even know, mom.") Eh, there's nights when I just can't fall asleep, so maybe there's just a lot on his little toddler mind? He's worried about that baby bird Elmo found?

So then one night I put him down in his crib, and he wasn't asleep yet. And he went to sleep. Just like that. And I thought he just decided on his own that this was cool... easy peasy, whatever mom. This is pretty much how all of our "transitions" with Oliver have gone. Breast to bottle at daycare? No biggie. Bottle to sippy cup? OK cool, not picky. Food, walking, teething, even illnesses? Tough guy. Nothing I'd really call a battle.

Anyhow, I remained cautious, trying it again and again, and sometimes it would be fine, he'd go to sleep... and sometimes he was on his feet before I got out the door crying for me.

I don't do well with that, at all.

It's like, I know he can do it - go to sleep by himself - so those nights that he doesn't? Must be my fault. Did I not do enough to make it easy for him? Did I try to hard to ease into the transition from my arms to the crib? Did I let him stay up too late so he's over-tired? Is he not tired enough? Was his nap too late? Is he thirsty? Teething? Does he have to poop? Is he sick? Did he hear the dog bark?

What happened to my confidence?

I was totally fine letting him fall asleep on me. I was all: who cares? And now, something must be wrong. The routine is lacking. There's something I'm missing.

I guess I'll just keep on trying, calling for reinforcements from Daddy if needed. I get frustrated, mostly with myself, when bedtime doesn't go like I think it should. He almost always wakes up happy, but I still somehow feel like I'm failing him. This is supposedly a skill, and I'm not helping him master it.

I'm just tired of thinking about it.

to lovey, or not to lovey?

Yeah, it's not up to me. I was one of those parents who decided that it wouldn't be bad for my kid to have a lovey. Some random toy that will calm him, make him feel safe, be a familiar friend in a strange and/or new situation? Fine by me!

So we started out with me assuming everything Oliver became remotely attached to was destined to become "THE thing" and I'd start researching how to get my hands on backup copies... Patrick from SpongeBob beanie baby? Got two. Taggies blanket? Check. Ridonkulous sock monkey thing... uh oh, am I in trouble? I don't know where that came from!

My son is on the opposite side of the lovey argument, apparently. Any of an assortment of "nigh-night" blankets is fine. His only thing is that most nights he wants to pick out a new one from the drawer.

This post was inspired by commenting on my friend Heather's blog... click to see her son Jack's lovey, Dee-Da.

coping

I found a torn-out corner of a pamphlet someone gave me at the hospital, some time in 2009. I don't know if it was originally in the giant folder of crap we got with our paid admission to the pregnancy/labor/baby care class, or in the giant packet of crap we got with our paid admission to the maternity ward.
Either way, I distinctly remember tearing off this corner of the page, just after returning to work. I remember thinking, "if I can just keep this in mind, I'll be OK."

COPING 

Many mothers returning to work hit a wall of exhaustion and frustration with their manic schedules, and they experience a sense of guilt from leaving their baby behind. These feelings are universal, and with the support of your partner and a sense of perspective, you will soon feel better and settle into a routine.

Let your partner take responsibility for the meals and household chores so that you can focus on working, nursing, and resting. Save the laundry, heavy cleaning and shopping for the weekends, when you can rest and then do these chores together.

Use your nursing time to relax and reconnect with your baby. Sit or lie in a quiet place, and enjoy the experience. Remember to keep a sense of perspective; this is a relatively short span in the length of your life and your child's. A meaningful relationship with your healthy baby will outweigh a rough couple of months.

(emphasis mine) 

It is so true. So, so true. I still think about how hard those first few months back at work really were. I was not a good employee. I was absolutely in survival mode. It was such a struggle, every day, leaving him at day care to go to work. I hated every moment away from him.

But, I treasure every memory I have of sitting quietly with my tiny baby. The fact that those moments were not only fleeting but few and far between, while we adjusted to our new life, made them all the more special to me. It was the best decision I ever made, even if I was lacking in other areas of my life, to stop and just be present with my boy.

That time went by so fast, and it was so worth it to let everything else go for a while.

Now? I'm so proud of Oliver, I could burst. He's so smart, and sweet, and beautiful. I made it through that toughest time, and came out on the other side with an amazing little boy who, I have no doubt, knows just how much his Mommy loves him.

the mom pledge

So, I've been writing again. I have drafts. I have posts scheduled. It's been good for me, I'm exercising my brain a little bit, re-discovering how to nurture my creative side. I'm ready for BlogHer '12 now!

Anyway, here's one of the things I came across a few times but never checked out until now:

The Mom Pledge

I am a proud to be a mom. I will conduct myself with integrity in all my online activities. I can lead by example.

I pledge to treat my fellow moms with respect. I will acknowledge that there is no one, "right" way to be a good Mom. Each woman makes the choices best for her family.

I believe a healthy dialogue on important issues is a good thing. I will welcome differing opinions when offered in a respectful, non-judgmental manner. And will treat those who do so in kind.

I stand up against cyber bullying. My online space reflects who I am and what I believe in. I will not tolerate comments that are rude, condescending or disrespectful.

I refuse to give those who attack a platform. I will remove their remarks with no mention or response. I can take control.

I want to see moms work together to build one another up, not tear each other down. Words can be used as weapons. I will not engage in that behavior.

I affirm that we are a community. As a member, I will strive to foster goodwill among moms. Together, we can make a difference.

I plan on doing my part to be the kind of person that my son looks up to, and the kind of mom he deserves.

But also, I'm posting this to remind myself that it is so easy, in our quest to do what we think is right for our kids and by our standards, to start thinking somebody else's parenting is "wrong". I'm a mom, and so is she, and we all need support, on- and offline.

it was bound to happen

Oliver is a pretty good traveller. We drove 3 hours south this past weekend for my best friend's son's birthday party. We took a little break about 2 hours in, changed a diaper and ran around the rest area a bit, after which he crashed out for about 45 minutes.

have squeezy "appa sauce", will travel.

Despite getting a late start, we got there just a few minutes after the party started. It was SO CUTE - with Dr. Suess decorations and Cat in the Hat all over. (Oh! And Swedish Fish! Which I forgot to bring home. Boo.)

this is the only picture available for me to steal from Facebook.
yes, it was a first birthday party. yes the cake topper got fixed in time.

The party was lovely, all three babies in attendance were well behaved and (most importantly) they went to sleep without a fight leaving all parents free to enjoy each other's company (and beer) (and whisky slush).

Sunday morning was also full of happy, with three babies and 6 adults having breakfast and some good playtime.

wheee toys!

So after all the good time feelings and rainbow words, you know there has to be something, right? Right.

passed out with Lightning McQueen on his shoulder

We drove home shortly after lunch time, and Oliver fell alseep almost right away. As soon as he woke up, we stopped off at a McDonald's for a diaper change and some french fries.

When we were about half an hour from home Ollie looked at his daddy, held out his hand and said "what's iss?" And Nick said, "What is that? Let me have it..."

It was poop.

It had exploded out of the side of his diaper and down onto the car seat, of course. So I pulled the car over on a side street and get him out. Nick took him and changed his diaper and shorts, while I attempted to get the car seat cover off. Would. Not. Budge. I don't know what the hell I was doing wrong, or maybe if it was just because I wasn't the one who installed it, but I couldn't figure out how to get the cover off of the seat.

So Nick and I switched, and I watched Oliver (which meant keeping him from climbing all over the front seat and/or pushing too many vital buttons on the dashboard) while Nick got the cover off the seat. Turns out, you have to completely disconnect the seat from the car and thread the straps through the cushion and... let's just say there was poop everywhere.

We switched places once again so I could attempt to scrub as much poop as I could off of the straps and buckles before putting him in the seat again. There was a lot of poop.

Did I mention that during the 20 minutes or so that we were stopped on the side of the road it went from a light mist to full-on downpouring rain? Yeah.

I just have to say here that I am SO GLAD my husband is super awesome and dealt with the poop and carseat-challenged wife like a champ. All we could smell the rest of the way home was poo, obviously, but I really would have been sunk without him there.

We were never so happy to be home and see and smell Dial antibacterial soap!

last night

There were big storms in the area for the second evening in a row. The sky looked like this:



photo taken by my cousin



So after watching the weather reports and hearing them say the name of our town twice... I did what any good mom would do. I put some emergency supplies in the bathroom (our house doesn't have a basement - so this is where we'd go).



taken just before adding the laptop to the stack

I made Nick put shoes on and briefly considered grabbing our birth certificates and marriage license and stuff like that. Which reminds me, I need to put all those important documents in one place. Possibly even a safety deposit box at the bank. Overboard? Maybe, I guess... but if we had been huddled in our bathroom we'd have been glad to have that Gatorade and hand-crank flashlight.

Even better, we're supposed to be in for it again tonight. Currently:



Sigh. I think I dislike rain even more than snow at this point.

Anyhow, we are all still here, after much bullshit weather and even more bullshit medical problems in the family. I also wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who's been keeping us in your prayers! I love you all.

Be back again soon...

spring 2011

I had to stop by here today to reflect on how far I've come in the last year.

I remember the begining of 2010 being very difficult. That whole winter was emotionally and physically taxing. Pumping at work, being so exhausted from long days, and just plain missing my little guy so much that I could hardly stand it. I think the dramatic drop from blissed-out new mom to over-tired working mom was too much for me. I felt... fragile.

It makes me tear up just thinking about how much I struggled. I wanted so badly to be the best mom that I focused solely on Oliver and shoved, hard, everything else into the background. It took a toll on my marriage, because I know I wasn't the best wife there for a while. There are a few times that Nick said "I just want my wife back..." and that statement never failed to make me feel bad, but also snapped me the hell out of whatever funk I was in and made me realize that in my haze of single-minded focus I was still missing out.

Not that there weren't happy times, because of course there were, and plenty of them, and I know I took advantage and played and took pictures and made memories but looking back, it was just... mostly gray.

Anyway, March 2010 was where I started to come out of it. I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Last spring, I learned a little better how to be present in my own life. I realized that the fun in weeknight bathtime was no less joyful than weekend afternoons. I'm not saying things are perfect now, but my equilibrium is evening out. Dare I say: I'm feeling balance. I am so darn happy. Seriously. And when I look at what we've been through, even though others might struggle with more or different challenges in parenting, I still feel triumphant. I deserve to be happy.

For once, I feel the need to mention my job. I'm enjoying it! It's at times exciting, fast paced and challenging... other times it's mundane tasks and meetings. It's always changing, and while the changes are always varying in my personal scope of ideal, it's never boring. My boss is a genuine and compassionate human being, and that alone is something I know I'm lucky to have, let alone an affordable insurance plan and a little vacation time.

This spring, there will be no stopping our little family. Nick and I are so looking forward to the next few months. We're in love with each other and our little man. It's going to be full of gardening, walks, playgrounds, and laughter. We've got a vacation planned - taking a trip to Florida (Ollie's first plane ride!) to visit the grandparents and the beach - and we're going to relax and enjoy each other.

And this little guy? What can I say? He's perfect, the light of my life, and the walking, talking definition of joy.

fail: a short story.

I was all proud of myself, smug even, that Oliver had never flipped himself off of the changing table. I even figured out ahead of time, before disaster struck, that the lap belt that comes with the changing pad could not contain him anymore. All it would take was a flip, crawl forward and he'd be free to stand up! And fly off the table! Oh ho ho I am so brilliant to have noticed this and not let him put himself in danger!

Yeah.

So this morning. I put him in his highchair for some Cheerios. (Oh, by the way, have you had the chocolate Cheerios? They're awesome! A low fat snack!) I get his stuff together, my stuff together, and run it out to the car. While I'm in the garage, I hear him start wailing  and I run in.

He's sitting on the kitchen floor, crying. My best guess is that when I (thought I) buckled him in, I didn't "click" the one side all the way, and he wiggled himself out. And then up and jumped out!

So I sat on the floor with him, and we hugged and about 3 minutes later he's all calmed down and petting the dog (whacking her on the head). But she let him, sweet pup. I gave him a cold bottle, because after thrice checking him over, the only probably injury was a possible fat lip. That seemed to make him happy.

Drive to school, tell the teacher about my ginormous lack of paying attention this morning, cuddle him a little more, drive to work. Sigh.

And by the way? It was picture day, so of course he'll probably have a nice fat lip or something in the pictures. We'll see.

bye bye breastpump

In June, we started supplementing my breastmilk with formula on a daily basis because we started making bigger bottles since he was chugging every drop we were sending to daycare.

Here were my initial, irrational thoughts:

• what if he thinks it tastes funny
• what if he gets constipated
• what if this makes my supply tank
• I thought there'd be more bullet points here

Here are the thoughts I had a few minutes later:

• at some point, everyone goes through this
• which not only means I'm not alone
• we made it over 6 months!
• how funny can it really taste?
• the kid could probably use some variety
• it's just formula. there are worse things that could happen to him...
• like he could be hungry!

What all this means is that I didn't my mind feeling guilty at the end of a workday when I came up short.

And he's fine. OMG NO WAY. And I'm OK with it too, because I have to be and why not?

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Now that he's almost one and hasn't breastfed in about two weeks?

• He's still sleeping through the night - seriously, this kid is an awesome sleeper. I know it doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he's not nursing anymore, but his sleeping habits didn't change as he weaned, so we got that going for us, which is nice.
• Solids have been a fun adventure! More posts on food to come, I promise!
• I can drink a cup of coffee at 5 pm without repercussions
• Bye bye, breastpump!
• Hello, wine!
• He's still such a playful, happy guy
• I definitely still have my moments where I get all sad about it and miss that "special time" we used to have together, but I think about it less often than I thought I would.

Like I said before, I never really planned on full time nursing, it was just something I figured I'd try. But I loved it, and wouldn't trade that time we had for anything.

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So now, we look forward. My baby is becoming a little boy, and he's so sweet and smart and funny that I'm actually feeling myself letting go of the past and maybe even living in the moment!



Oliver "Squiggy" Panza

in his first highchair