Thursday, March 17, 2011

spring 2011

I had to stop by here today to reflect on how far I've come in the last year.

I remember the begining of 2010 being very difficult. That whole winter was emotionally and physically taxing. Pumping at work, being so exhausted from long days, and just plain missing my little guy so much that I could hardly stand it. I think the dramatic drop from blissed-out new mom to over-tired working mom was too much for me. I felt... fragile.

It makes me tear up just thinking about how much I struggled. I wanted so badly to be the best mom that I focused solely on Oliver and shoved, hard, everything else into the background. It took a toll on my marriage, because I know I wasn't the best wife there for a while. There are a few times that Nick said "I just want my wife back..." and that statement never failed to make me feel bad, but also snapped me the hell out of whatever funk I was in and made me realize that in my haze of single-minded focus I was still missing out.

Not that there weren't happy times, because of course there were, and plenty of them, and I know I took advantage and played and took pictures and made memories but looking back, it was just... mostly gray.

Anyway, March 2010 was where I started to come out of it. I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Last spring, I learned a little better how to be present in my own life. I realized that the fun in weeknight bathtime was no less joyful than weekend afternoons. I'm not saying things are perfect now, but my equilibrium is evening out. Dare I say: I'm feeling balance. I am so darn happy. Seriously. And when I look at what we've been through, even though others might struggle with more or different challenges in parenting, I still feel triumphant. I deserve to be happy.

For once, I feel the need to mention my job. I'm enjoying it! It's at times exciting, fast paced and challenging... other times it's mundane tasks and meetings. It's always changing, and while the changes are always varying in my personal scope of ideal, it's never boring. My boss is a genuine and compassionate human being, and that alone is something I know I'm lucky to have, let alone an affordable insurance plan and a little vacation time.

This spring, there will be no stopping our little family. Nick and I are so looking forward to the next few months. We're in love with each other and our little man. It's going to be full of gardening, walks, playgrounds, and laughter. We've got a vacation planned - taking a trip to Florida (Ollie's first plane ride!) to visit the grandparents and the beach - and we're going to relax and enjoy each other.

And this little guy? What can I say? He's perfect, the light of my life, and the walking, talking definition of joy.