Wednesday, December 14, 2011

so, this is Christmas?

I've been wondering when the mood will strike me. I can't remember... does it always take this long? I overhear conversations about trees and decorations and I see houses with lights and I wonder where my Christmas spirit went off to. (As if I don't know.) Nick has been asking me if I'm OK more than usual lately, so I guess I'm being quiet or something.

I'm working on getting the shopping done. Maybe that will help? I'm trying to make things feel happy and bright, because my sweet boy deserves a cheerful Christmas.

I know it shouldn't be that hard. And part of me thinks that maybe I'm over anylizing the sadness. I only sometimes feel like I'm walking on eggshells, not saying the things that we're all thinking, about how this year it will be so hard without Nick's mom here with us.

On the other hand, I'm not forcing anything... when I do get all excited about decorating and baking and cooking it is coming from a natural, real place. I want to be cheerful and shit but don't know when I'm crossing the line into annoying. I feel guilty for being happy, for having my mom.

My friend Jess tells me he will tell let me know if he needs something from me, and reminds me not to forget that I'm grieving too.