Wednesday, December 14, 2011

so, this is Christmas?

I've been wondering when the mood will strike me. I can't remember... does it always take this long? I overhear conversations about trees and decorations and I see houses with lights and I wonder where my Christmas spirit went off to. (As if I don't know.) Nick has been asking me if I'm OK more than usual lately, so I guess I'm being quiet or something.

I'm working on getting the shopping done. Maybe that will help? I'm trying to make things feel happy and bright, because my sweet boy deserves a cheerful Christmas.

I know it shouldn't be that hard. And part of me thinks that maybe I'm over anylizing the sadness. I only sometimes feel like I'm walking on eggshells, not saying the things that we're all thinking, about how this year it will be so hard without Nick's mom here with us.

On the other hand, I'm not forcing anything... when I do get all excited about decorating and baking and cooking it is coming from a natural, real place. I want to be cheerful and shit but don't know when I'm crossing the line into annoying. I feel guilty for being happy, for having my mom.

My friend Jess tells me he will tell let me know if he needs something from me, and reminds me not to forget that I'm grieving too.


  1. oh Sara, i'm so sorry this hasn't been the best year for you guys and i really do understand how you could feel kind of awkward to celebrate this time of year, but it doesn't mean you're just moving on and will forget your MIL. she's still with you guys in your hearts and in your memories. maybe you guys could do something that she used to do around this time? when my grandfather passed away (i know it's not the same thing but he meant so much to me and it was so difficult to go on), we made it a point to keep up his traditions around the holidays (he'd always pour a shot of liquor, he'd always greet everyone with a big hug and say the same things, etc). and we talk about him all the time- especially around the holidays.

    and when all else fails, crank up the xmas music and sign along LOUDLY.

    ::huge hugs::

  2. Yes friend. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I wanted to bypass Christmas for a good 3 years. Sometimes I still don't want to think about it. And that's normal. It's fresh. It hurts. You both loved her. You worry about that awesome husband of yours. You think of what could've been for that precious boy. It's ok. And if you don't do any of it, that's fine. Ollie won't know the difference. He'll love you just the same.

  3. Oh, Sara, so so sorry. I hope you feel her spirit in Christmas and celebrate it fully.


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