Monday, August 2, 2010

on the fence

in more ways than one.

  • pumping at work may be coming to an end. I'm not getting very much any more... and it's hard to justify the time commitment. (just for me, not anything to do with other people at work)
  • also, pumping sucks. It's weird and not fun and I will be glad when I don't have to do it anymore. I'm pretty much just down to once a day now, at lunch.
  • that said, I'm not giving up nursing in the morning and at night. Don't have to, don't want to.
  • so, Oliver's 8 1/2 months old and I guess this is the start of weaning. I'm on the fence between ok with that and sad that my baby is growing up, which I am very much would be at any age.
  • looks like there's less of this in my near future

  • and more of this - which is OK because I love seeing my two best guys hanging out

  • we've been talking a lot lately about finding a way for me to quit my job
  • I know lots of working moms think about this - but it's gotten to the point where, for me, there's almost no other option. You'd think that after 6+ months it would get a little easier to drop him off at daycare, but it hasn't for me. It just feels wrong.
  • I still tear up every single Monday morning.
  • so we're working on scaling back monthly payments as much as possible. We've cancelled the cable, consolidated some bills, and traded in the truck for a pretty Trailblazer with a lower payment
  • just a few more steps and we'll be there...
  • this is the (second) most exciting and scary thing I've ever planned on doing
  • I'm on the fence about whether to fully throw myself into being excited and planning for this - or being extremely cautious, not getting my hopes up because what if it doesn't work out?
  • what if we plan and plot and scrimp and save and we still can't afford it? what if I quit for a few years and then can't find a job when I need one again? what if I feel like I've missed out on something - am I giving up too much? I don't really consider my job a career, but at least it's a work history with no gaps...
  • what if I'm not as good at being home full time as I think I'll be? I don't have delusions of being able to keep a perfect house with zero dust and all that... but what if I still feel like something's missing
  • I can't imagine that, really... anything would be better than missing him all day long while coming to a workplace that I have to try so hard to get any enjoyment from
  • more like: what if I feel like I'm not living up to expectations (whose? mine?) what if I feel inadequate?
  • I need to get all of this doubt out of my head and just focus
  • who wouldn't want to spend all day with this guy?

  • So. Now that I've unleashed the crazy (and my boob) on all of you
  • I bit the bullet and joined one of those blog ranking sites!
  • the more times you vote for me, the higher my link gets in the list.
  • which would (in theory) lead to my little corner of the internet being viewed by more people.
  • I used to have some regular readers from the Philippines, I wonder what happened to them?
  • anyway, Team NinjaPanza!
  • the site allows you to vote once per day - the button is to the right there, underneath my "followers"
  • click, please?