Tuesday, November 22, 2011

doing this in spite of myself

I need to re-think the way I tackle life.

I consistently and actively avoid “signing up” for anything that sounds like a time commitment because I’m afraid I won’t be able to give it my all. And then something else in my life won’t get the attention it deserves, or at least the time and attention that it currently gets. Basically, my family gets my all, every day.

And I’ll be damned if my family suffers because of something I “got myself into”, including things that might be fun, or interesting, or even Good For Me.

Which, yes, I realize is just ridiculous.

I feel guilty wanting to go to somewhere by myself. But last night I had a work-related event thing that lasted just a couple hours, and I HAD to go. And I was totally fucking awkward the whole time. I made a beeline for the people I knew, my coworkers. I then followed them to the bar, to the table, to the food stations, and back to the table. It took concentrated effort for me to get up and go back to the bar when I had finished my drink.

I didn't have Nick there, my armor, my backup... and no little Ollie to entertain me. I was expected to chat and be social with other adults. And I forgot how.

As much as I LOVE my boys and my life, I am so unwavering in my routine that I feel like I'm running out of things to even think about.

I want to write about interesting things. I enjoy this little blog with my opinions on random things, and stories about my loves. Making (long-distance) friends with people because of it has been awesome, and a little surprising. But mostly awesome.

Thing is, I'm not restricted or stifled or tied down. Nick is encouraging me to go to BlogHer in 2012 and meet these people face to face, and listen to other women and moms talk about writing interesting things. I hope that it energizes me. Because I have this tendency to hold myself back, and I don't know why.

So while I am perfectly content, I've been thinking. And coming up short. It's gonna be a long winter.