Tuesday, June 26, 2012

oh, what the hell.

I have a case of the happy. I'm doing well, Nick's fine. Oliver's a good kid. We have lots of summery, outdoorsy plans going on and I'm throwing myself into it.

He's going through some behavior issues at school, biting other kids and not listening and being a general shit and while it stresses me out, I'm happy to report that the whole "positive reinforcement" thing, both at daycare and at home, have really been working for us.

But still, I have this weird feeling. Not the kind that lodges itself in the pit of your stomach (that thing that can sort of be described as dread mixed with anxiety?), but the kind that attacks your brain, nagging and gnawing at the back of your thoughts.

I don't know what I want to say.... I don't have any planned out words here. I'm just gonna lay it all out there, so forgive me since I'm sure this will be a mess.

We're talking-about-trying-to-have-another-baby. I want this, so so much. I want to get pregnant. I want to have a sibling for Oliver. I want to snuggle and nurse and rock a tiny newborn.

The problem is, what then?

It's the money. It's always the money and I hate thinking about money and talking about money and I hate money. Because there isn't enough money.

Realistically, putting two kids in daycare... would cost roughly $1400 a month. That's almost all of the dollars I bring home every month.

One side of me, the side that wears rose-colored-glasses says, "Stay home!" Have my two children home with me and do crafts and play toys and take naps and shit. Maybe keep the house clean. Go to story time and the freaking library. I long to be home when Nick gets home from work. I want to be there to see Oliver's face light up when I call, "Daddy's here!" I've had the privilege of pickup only a handful of times when he's not been sick... it's epic smiles and flailing arms and little legs running.

But staying home with a newborn and a toddler? Eep. And would we really be able to make it work? We'd have to go without health insurance and probably sell my car. Would it be so much stress and struggle and cutting back that no one would end up really being happier?

Plus, Oliver thrives at daycare. And as much as I hated having to leave him every day, he loves it... and I've learned to live with it. They love him. He learns so much there and I'm scared that if I pull him out he'll spend way too much time watching Elmo and eating fruit snacks.

So, have another baby? Yes. But then what?